Gobble, Gobble!

Hey Mr. Turkey! Get in my belly!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Whoo frickin hoo!

I'm a foodie. You get that, right?

Anywho, today, one of my customers at work (no, I'm not a hooker) asked me, "Hey! Did you see that story on the news last night about the woman who's trying to raise TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS so her pet turkey can have cataract surgery?"

You have got to be shitting me.

Nope. He wasn't. Click here to read all about it.

I should contact this woman....tell her that I have a cheaper, more effective way to cure her turkey's cataracts.

It's called a butter bath....and a long, slow roasting at 350 degrees.

Yeah. Tomorrow? I'll definitely be one of those people wearing elastic waist pants. Bring it!

But I will definitely lay off of the pumpkin pie.

Because THIS is how it's really MADE:

Hahaha....

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best! Seriously.

Won't You Please? Won't You Please? Please Won't You Be My Neighbor?

I have a confession to make.

My neighbors? They pretty much suck.

I have lived in the same neighborhood, in the last house on the street, for thirteen years. Everyday, I drive past several of them. Everyday, they pretend they don't see me.

And it's not just me.

They do it to each other...antisocial motherf*ckers.

You know what I think? I think they take themselves way too seriously.

They're all like...I'm a lawyer! I'm a doctor! I'm a stock broker! I'm a business owner! I'm an executive! And I am wayyyy too important to wave to the likes of you because I shit Haagen Dazs!

Um...Not my flavor, a**hole.

Once, during a snowstorm, my dumb ass neighbor, who we lovingly refer to as Bernie Madoff II, and who usually likes to pretend that we don't exist, came over and asked us if he could RENT our snow blower.

I wanted to say, "Hey Bernie...you stupid mofo, how come you have two BMW's, but don't own a snow blower?" But I didn't. I exercised my mouth filter. Because I have one....Stop snickering.

Instead, I replied, "NO. You can't rent our snow blower. But you can use it for free. You're our neighbor. That's what neighbors do."

Today, he still pretends that we don't exist...so I'm thinking that the next time we get slammed with snow, he'd better have his blower ready. Either that, or he'll be plowing that long driveway with his teeth. Jerkhole.

Wanna see what he looks like? Look up the word douchebag in the dictionary. I'm sure you'll find his picture there.

Bite me, Bernie. OK. Moving on...

Anyway, everyday on my way home from work, I drive by a certain house which makes me smile and say to myself, "Self! Now these people would make great neighbors! THEY totally have a sense of humor!"

Check out their picture window:

Dudes! It's a full size leg lamp like the one featured in A Christmas Story!

And? They keep it in their window year round!

Fun neighbors, right?

Now that's what I'm talking about, people.


Blog Addendum: To my neighbor D: When I say that my neighbors suck, I am not referring to you, as you know that there are exceptions to every rule. Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would refrain from unloading any M80's in our backyard as retaliation. For your cooperation, we will reward you with chocolate cake and tequila.

I Hope There's Chardonnay In Hell

The following is a recent Facebook conversation between me and my friend, Judi. She's my Soul Sista.

11:01pm Sally
I don't care what anyone says. Rick Springfield is still HOTTTTTTT!

11:02pm Judi
I cannot believe he is SIXTY!!!

11:02pm Sally
I know! WTF?

11:03pm Judi
I never thought he was that much older than us. And I also forgot that he is Australian.

11:03pm Sally
He is 20 years older than us!

11:04pm Judi
Well I must listen to him on Oprah right now so I can hear his accent.

11:05pm Sally
You can't hear it. He hides it.

11:05pm Judi
F*cking hell.

11:05pm Sally
Right? That accent is a powerful tool! And he hides it...the dumb ass.

11:05pm Judi
I know, WTF?

11:05pm Sally
To women, it's a verbal aphrodisiac! Fool.

11:06pm Judi
Well clearly he's got some other tools he's using!

11:06pm Sally
You're lucky. You can hear a sexy Irish accent anytime. Just shake your sleeping husband!

11:06pm Judi
I don't hear it really...I'm so used to it. I know this sounds insane to you. But after a while, you just don't hear it anymore.

11:07pm Sally
No, that doesn't sound insane. After a while, we all tune our husbands out. Hehehe.

11:07pm Judi
Well his mumbling makes it easier, coupled with my deafness. We are such a fun pair. How is Paul Costa? And his Fall River accent?

11:08pm Sally
Hahaha. He's fine. A pain in the arse, just like your husband---Hotty McAccent :)

11:08pm Judi
How's George Clooney? Still riding him every day? LOL!

11:09pm Sally
YES. I hate that MOFO!

11:09pm Judi
Dreadmill.

11:09pm Sally
Piece of shit in the basement! But I did tape George's face to it ;)

11:10pm Judi
I take zumba class twice a week---dance to Latin music. It's like being at the Portuguese American club, w/o the moonshine.

11:10pm Sally
ZUMBA! That's "cougar" exercise!

11:10pm Judi
Well...

11:11pm Sally
Moonshine! You are proud to be Portuguese...even though you're Irish. Hahahaha!

11:11pm Judi
My results were that I am 100% Portuguese on the FB quiz! I told someone I am from the Lost Portuguese Island of Osmozia. They didn't get my joke.

11:12pm Sally
Hehehehe. You are definitely Portuguese by osmosis, my friend.

11:12pm Judi
I like to think so. So how about my kid and the Answer Me Jesus?

11:13pm Sally
She is too funny. And she knows how to work it.

11:13pm Judi
I may need to hide him before she starts telling them at CCD that we have one.

11:13pm Sally
Yeah. Or smuggles him in for Show and Tell.

11:13pm Judi
Well, it's bad enough that my car has an "EVE WAS FRAMED" bumper sticker on it.

11:14pm Sally
Hahaha. That is funny!

11:14pm Judi
Yes, we always park right near the door!

11:15pm Sally
At church a couple of weeks ago, we had a freaky mean visiting priest. Not friendly AT ALL! I tried to make conversation with him. But, he was not having it. I told someone he was kind of mean to me and then I said, "Geez...You'd think I was shoving apples down all the men's throats."

11:15pm Judi
Oh, Sally, that is a line for the ages! Can I steal it?

11:16pm Sally
Steal it and work it, Sista!

11:16pm Judi
Shoving Apples: One Man at a Time

11:16pm Sally
Hehehe. I guess we should be happy that they made women out of one of Adam's ribs and not his balls.

11:18pm Judi
Just like I say, "Be thankful the Shoebomber wasn't the Undiesbomber."

11:18pm Sally
LOL. Judi & Sally: Hell Mates Forever

11:19pm Judi
We should get tee shirts made up like that.

11:19pm Sally
Yes we should!

11:19pm Judi
Oh, and just so you know, I don't care if you blog about me. I notice a lot of people are like, "Don't blog about me." This is not a problem I have. LOL!

11:19pm Sally
Uh-oh. Be very afraid!

11:20pm Judi
LOL!

11:20pm Sally
Well, my dear, I need to get to sleep...UGH...Why wasn't I born rich instead of beautiful?

11:21pm Judi
This plagues me, too. See you soon Hell Mate!

11:21pm Sally
Later Hell Mate!


Sally & Judi....

Friends since high school....Hell Mates, forever.

The Devil?

Yeah. He's screwed.

Do I Smell Bacon?

Last night, after work, I went to Macy's because they were having the BIGGEST, HUGEST, MOST EARTH SHATTERING SALE of the century!

Which, by the way, is a big steaming pile of bullshit propaganda because they have those sales like once a month. But, whatever.

So anyway, I'm at Macy's wandering around the kitchen gadgets, when I noticed these displays of beautiful, hand painted dishes from Spain. Seriously, they were stunning! The coffee mugs were big and chunky and just perfect for ginormous vats of Godiva Hot Chocolate....HOLLA (Who's a chocolate whore? I am! I am!)!!

Anywho, just as I'm glancing over all of the beautiful and colorful ceramic pieces, my eyes caught these CANDY DISHES on the top shelf of the display.

And? Well...

I took a picture of them because I thought they were so freakin funny, which proves that even though I am a college educated, refined woman (Let me believe it, OK?), I actually have the sense of humor of a teen aged boy.

So, without further ado, this is why I was busting a gut...at Macy's...all by myself...like a dumb ass:



This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed at home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy cried,
"wee wee wee," all the way home....
right after he took a dry humping in the poop shoot.

Call me Beavis. I don't mind.

Oh.No.He.Didn't!

Last night, the Hubby asked me to hang out with him for a bit at our new business condo because he was nailing down a new floor on the second level. Basically, my job was to jump and stand on the plywood sheets until they shimmied into their correct spaces. Then, the Hubbs would nail down the sheets with his scary ass, big mutha, Stanley Bostitch framing nail gun.

Try saying that ten times fast.

Anyway, suddenly, the scary ass, big mutha, Stanley Bostitch framing nail gun? Well...It just stopped working!

Wanna see a grown man pitch a hissy?

Yeah. Me neither.

But I had no choice.

So, I walked over to him and said, "What's the matter?" He responded, "This stupid piece of shit keeps getting stuck! WTF?"

Then, like the big fat idiot that I am, I asked, "Is there anything I can do?" Much to my dismay, he answered, "Yes. I need you to go to Home Depot. Go to the power tool section and ask the guy that works there for pneumatic oil for a nail gun."

Oh my f*cking word. Home Depot. I hate f*cking Home Depot.

I would rather go to the gynecologist for my annual cooter / fun bags probe than go to Home Depot. THAT is how much I hate that wretched store.

But, I could see that Hubby needed my help. And he was working so hard. So, I bucked up, drove to Home Depot, and took one for the team.

The first thing that happened when I got there was Big Beula met me at the door to gruffly inform me that, "Home Depot will be closing in ten minutes and is there anything I can help you with or could I point you in the right direction?"

OK Big Bertha. I know you want to go home, but you need to step the frick back because I am not comfortable with manly bitches taking up my personal space.

Seriously. Ever notice that all the women who work in Homely Depot look like lumberjacks? Is wearing plaid flannel a job prerequisite? WTF?

Anyway, so I say to the Big-un, "I need pneumatic oil for a nail gun." And she looks at me like I have two heads because she doesn't know what the crap I am talking about. So, she calls Trevor over.

My Lord. I never knew how greasy teen aged boys could be.

Anyway, I tell Trevor that I need to buy some pneumatic oil RIGHT NOW or I will slit my wrists immediately. He giggles and leads me to the power tool section where I am introduced to Bruce.

So, again. For the THIRD f*cking time! I say, "I need some pneumatic oil for a nail gun." Finally, Bruce hands me a fat, plastic bottle. It reads: Pneumatic Oil For Power Tools.

Praise Jesus Christ in Heaven. They have finally seen the light!

Put the brakes on, Sally Costa.

Because, suddenly, I noticed that the fat, plastic bottle was...UM...really fat? And I wondered, "How in the hell is Hubby going to get this oil into that skinny, little gun handle?"

So, I say to ButchBruceBanjo, or whatever the frick his name was, "Oh. Do I need a...a...a?"

HELLO! SALLY, YOU MORON!

The word you're looking for is OILCAN!

But, all I could think to say in that senior moment was, "Don't I need one of those thingies? Like the one they used to lube up the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz?"

So, ButchBruceBanjo looks at me, smiles, and says...WAIT FOR IT...He says, "Thingy? Is that a technical term?"

Oh.No.He.Didn't.

So, I looked at him and said, "NO. IT'S NOT A TECHNICAL TERM! But, I know that you know what I mean! Now, point me in the right direction before I slit my wrists in this store and you and your crew will have to stay here all night while the police investigate and Servpro cleans up my blood."

I wanted to tell him to, "Go suck goat balls."

But, I didn't.

Because I'm a grown up.

And I have a mouth filter.

Stop laughing.

From Kindergartners To Cougars

Sally & Deb, June 20, 2009 (MY GOD! Aren't we lovely?!)

The following is a recent email correspondence between me and my friend, Deb. I was the the Best Lady at her wedding in June and we have been friends since we were four years old. Together, I think we could rule the world (or at least, kick some serious ass).

From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thursday, Nov 12, 2009 12:53 PM

Hello Mrs. Costa,
In obits today, Bob Smith died.
How are you? Anything new?
Mrs. D

From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 1:17 PM

Agnes,
Yes, I heard. My mother told me yesterday. He was a meanie. God rest his soul (you always have to say this after speaking of the dead---no matter how mean and nasty they were...it's like a law or something). Anywho, there is nothing new here. We are working a ridiculous amount of hours between regular work and construction at the new place. Other than that, I've got nothing...And you? Let me live vicariously through you! Throw me some excitement. Will ya?
XOXO Tilly


From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thu, Nov 12, 2009 1:41 pm

I remember you telling me he was mean, Tilly. I think I recall some parking situations in front of the store. But, we’ll be nice and wish him a peaceful rest.
Still working loads huh? That’s gotta be sickening. I’m not sure that you want to live vicariously through me! We were off yesterday and I painted the hallway while Hubby did some freelance work. This weekend, I’m going to re-caulk the tub! Joy! We’re hoping to meet up with Steve and his girlfriend next weekend, though. We can probably live vicariously through him!! He just got back from Thailand. He interviewed a man for a portrait that he's painting. Wacko. Ya gotta love Steve. He’s our age and has no full-time job. He lives in a nice apartment and he’s friends with his landlord, which must help. I doubt he makes the rent every month. He considers himself an artist and just goes with it! BTW: Did you get the wedding photos?
Agnes

From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 1:45 PM

Agnes,
Oh yes! I did get the photos! They look very nice, but confirm my assessment that I have fat arms. Coodish (Portuguese swear word). WTF? Tell me...How can Steve (A) attract a woman, (B) afford to go to Thailand, (C) have a nice apartment...when he has no effin REAL job? And what about health insurance?

From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thu, Nov 12, 2009 1:52 pm

Lol. Actually, I couldn't say what your arms looked like, I was fixated on my own fat arms and that pudge between armpit and boob (What the hell is that??) that kept displaying itself in MANY photos!! As for Steve, he (A) found the girlfriend online, (B) somehow got a frickin’ grant to go to Thailand and (C) has a nice apartment, but it could be condemned for lack of housekeeping efforts. Health insurance? Steve thinks he shouldn't have to pay for health insurance and was pissed to learn he had to when he worked at his old job. Now that he’s mostly unemployed, he probably does get it FREE through Commonwealth Care. We’re doing something wrong Tilly!! I’m SICK of working!!!


From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 2:53 PM

I hate armpit pudge! WTF was I thinking wearing a sleeveless dress?????
Damn work! We pay $638.00 a month for health insurance! That's it! I effin quit!


From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thu, Nov 12, 2009 4:02 pm

You’re too hard on yourself...Your arms were fine! I quit too! I’m going to find a psychiatrist and tell him that I just can’t deal with people or public places, then I’ll start shaking and plucking out some hair from my head, and see if I can get disability.

From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 4:19 PM

Don't forget to drool, too. And maybe it wouldn't hurt if you started chewing on a red crayon....

From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thu, Nov 12, 2009 4:20 pm

And, I’ll pee on his chair.

From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 4:31 PM

Ooooh...and pick your nose and wipe it on his desk! I think that about covers all the bases.

From: Deb
To: Sally
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 4:35 PM

I’ll have to be careful not to overdo it and be committed! Though a quiet rest might not be so bad...

From: Sally
To: Deb
Sent: Thursday, November 12, 2009 4:43 PM

Amen, sister.

Manscaping: Just Do It

It's been a long time, people.

I haven't written about my friend---Lou, in a l-o-n-g time.

He's been kind of quiet, which makes me sort of nervous.

You know, it's kind of like the calm before the storm.

Recently, Lou and his lovely wife---Linda, came back from vacationing in Palm Springs.

And?

They brought us presents. Whoopee frickin doo da!

For the Hubby, something every man needs:

I LOVE MY PENIS Fruit Flavored Gum


And for me:

Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big? Fruit Flavored Gum


I know what you're thinking. They are just the most thoughtful friends EVER! Right?

Yeah. Right.

You know...Since I'm on the subject of Lou, I've been waiting to share some photos of him that I took at a dinner party at his house.

You see...Lou? Well he loves the finer things in life. One example of his indulgences is he LOVES himself some good, quality, port wine. And? He loves to drink it out of his very special, very dainty (kind of gay) port wine glass.

Observe:


Only one problem.

After overindulging a tad on the finer things, he starts sweating. I think it's a man thing because the same thing happens to the Hubby. They get together, drink wine, and sweat like beasts.

But the worst part of the scenario? Well, in the Hubby's case, he drinks the wine, gets all flustered, rolls up his sleeves, and deals with it. But Lou?

Um...well...he loses any inhibitions he had (which are virtually nonexistent anyway) and takes his shirt off:



Special, ain't he?

You know...These photos make me wonder...

I'm probably not going to make it to Palm Springs anytime soon.

Does anyone out there in the blogosphere know where I can buy Lou some:
I LOVE MY MOOBS (Man Boobs) Fruit Flavored Gum?