Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Here She Comes......Miss America

I want to tell you a little bit about my Mother. This will give you all a better perspective of my life and why I think the way I do.

She is not in her 60's and she is not in her 80's. She is somewhere in between. I can't tell you exactly. I'm too scared ;) However, I am the youngest of eight and she had me when she was 39. I am 39. Do the math.

She wears high heels and make-up, even to go to the corner store.

She believes you should ALWAYS look your best...no matter what. And if you're not looking so hot on a particular day, she will tell you "in code".
EXAMPLE: On Friday, during lunch, she kept staring at my hair. She said, "Your hair is long. It hasn't been that long in a while. When are you going to the hairdresser?" TRANSLATION: You're hair looks like crap. You need a haircut.

She speaks Portuguese 99% of the time and very good "broken" English when she has to get her point across.
EXAMPLE: Frustrated at the doctor's office because he questioned her about gaining four pounds, she responded, "I don't know why you care about my four pounds when the girls that work in this office are tooooo fat."

She pretends that she can't read English. Yet, when it suits her, she mysteriously can.
EXAMPLE: To prove this theory, I once wrote: "My Mother is a giant pain in my ass." on a pad of paper that was on her kitchen counter. Then I walked away. Three seconds later, she whacked me in the arm with said pad of paper (hmm...no problem reading that).

She is the head of my family. She is funny. You will be hearing a lot about her.
Not for any particular reason or anything but, does anyone know if Shady Pines Nursing Home really exists?


Anonymous said...

Alda is also a great cook...She has a signature dish...portuguese codfish!!!

Anonymous said...

I would like to adopt Alda..or I guess maybe the other way around, I would like Alda to adopt me. I will, of course, probably break my neck after 5 minutes if I have to wear heels (maybe she would concede on this point since I am tall enough without them?) I could totally get into wearing makeup to the cornerstore routine if need be....

Anonymous said...

Your blog is hilarious. It's laugh out loud funny, very creative and sooo true. Keep it up, from the person that helped get you through college so you could graduate "Cinco de Mayo".

Jen said...

Sally...I am really enjoying the blog. You are such a great story teller!!!!

Debs said...

Hello Beatrice,
Hope to read lots more about Alda!! Just don't pick on your naturally blond and stick thin (LOL) friend or she'll go to your house and steal all your chocolate!

Debs said...

Audience: I just want to tell you I'm not actually the Ethel being referred to in the Enchilladas story as I recently posted. I unfortunately missed that intoxicating event! You see, Sally and I often email each other using different names -- sometimes we're Portuguese or Spanish, or we use old lady names, or tv characters. Anyway, just felt I should clear that up so the real Ethel doesn't feel I'm trying to steal her identity!!