Tuesday, January 13, 2009

You Ain't Half Bad Lookin?

It's official. I am approaching middle age. Besides the fact that I am almost halfway to the age of eighty, why is this so upsetting to me? Let me tell you why. Today at the post office, I was hit on by a man who looked like a hobbit.

It used to be when I was in my 20's that cute guys would smile at me, hold the door open for me, and make interesting conversation with me in social situations. Now, everywhere I turn (like at the damn post office) I'm getting shit-eating grins and a once over from the likes of Uncle Jed Clampett. Yuck.

OK. Now, I'm going to get on my soapbox here and do a little preaching to the men out there. But first, let me start by saying that I am happily married and therefore not even remotely interested in being hit on by anyone. However, if I were on the make, here are some prerequisites that I would require all men of interest to follow.....and I am respectfully speaking for all women here, guys.


1. You should only hit on women if you have TEETH (you hear me post office troll?). No woman, no matter hold she is, wants to watch you GUM your damn food. And FYI...
if you don't have them, you can buy them. Duh.

2. You are not fooling anyone by combing your hair from left to right. I went to college. I know that hair doesn't naturally grow that way. If you are going bald, accept it. Shave your damn head. No woman wants to flirt with Cousin It.

3. If you are driving a 1978 Chevy Citation, you do not need to wear fingerless driving gloves. A rusty ass Chevy Citation is not a "performance machine." You may only wear racing gloves if you are Jeff Gordon and drive for Nascar. Other than that, you look like a jackass.

4. Never say, "You ain't half bad lookin" to any self respecting woman unless you want to get punched in the face. I'm still trying to figure out what "half" he was talking about.

5. There is no substitute for soap and water. I know we are in a recession here. But come on. If I have to hold my breath near you because you smell like a three day old pepperoni pizza, THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Alright, I'm done venting. I feel better. Now, please feel free to pass on my "How To Make A Good Impression On The Ladies" tips to all of your male friends. I'm confident that together, we can rid the world of "comb overs".........one e-mail at a time.


Debs said...

I know it girlfriend, they're everywhere honking their horns and ogling! Do they really think we want them? Ugghhh!

Anonymous said...

Leave the Hobbits out of this. They are only vertically challenged, not wretched AND they have big feet. We all know what that means! Troll is the more accurate description. Let's stick with that.

G said...

You crack me up! I love your blog.