Monday, February 16, 2009

A Little Radiation Won't Kill Me

Things I Learned This Weekend:

* It is NEVER a good idea to flush an entire jar of baby gherkins down the toilet. I can not provide you with the details of how I know this. However, you would be wise to believe me. Pickles don't turn to mush when soaked in vinegar for 10 years and they won't turn to mush in your toilet pipes either (no matter how hard you pray to Jesus).

* I love Thai food....the spicier, the better. And every time I eat said Thai food, I indulge wholeheartedly, totally expecting that my 39 year old stomach will handle anything that I choose to ingest. I really need to stop fooling myself. While I will continue to eat and enjoy Thai food, I need to accept the following formula. You would be wise to heed it, too. Here it is:

Spicy Thai Food + Overindulgence = Morning Fire Ass

If you expect it, you won't be disappointed when it happens.

* When taking your Mother for an MRI on a freakin Sunday and she guilts you into going into the room with her during the radiation fest because "that other lady's daughter went in with her," and so now you have to prove that you are just as good a daughter as some strange, greasy chick who you see in the waiting room but don't know from jack, it is probably an opportune time to ask God to bless you with patience.

* Oh, and when you are signing a release form stating that you are not pregnant, don't have a pacemaker, and have no metal embedded in your body, so that you can SAFELY be in the FIELD OF RADIATION during the MRI that isn't yours, and you think about your sisters who are AT THAT MOMENT enjoying a lovely Valentine's weekend in Maine with their spouses while you are getting put through the radioactive ringer, it is probably normal to hope that they come home with nominal cases of uncontrollable diarrhea....just kidding (sort of).

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