Sunday, March 22, 2009

Because I'm Worth It

There's this man from my town that is missing. Apparently, he left for work twelve days ago and never returned home. Some people, like his wife, speculate that foul play was involved. Others, who have no clue what really happened to him, like to make crap up about how he must have skipped town for one crazy reason or another.

I have no opinion either way. But I do know this. If I was him, and I was safely hiding away somewhere, I would be pissed.

Why? Because his family and friends are offering a $1,000.00 reward to anyone who gives them information about his whereabouts.

One thousand dollars? Really? What is he, on CLEARANCE?

Do me a favor, people. If, God forbid, I take a wrong turn on my way to.....oh....let's say, THE MALL.....and you haven't heard from me in awhile. And, the hubby and my Mother call out the SWAT team (because I am so damn important to them, I KNOW that this would be their definitive course of action). And they decide to post a monetary reward to insure that I am found quickly and safely. For the love of Pete, fork over some damn cash and act like you friggin want me back!

I KNOW I am worth SIX figures.

But, in these difficult economic times, I'll have mercy on you all and SETTLE for at least twenty-five grand.

Consider this my contribution to the economic stimulus plan.


H.K. said...

I had to do a double take on the $1000 amount. I thought surely, there has go to be more zeros. That is so sad!

Heather said...

I have yet another brilliant plan. You hide out. I talk the powers that be (herein referred to as PTB) to offer a whopping 50 G's. I then miraculously "find you" - won't say you were actually just on my couch watching tivo'd episodes of Oprah. I collect said 50 G's from the PTB. I split it 50/50 with you. We can celebrate on 7 Mile Beach!