Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Do You Want An Eggroll With That?

I want a new job. I don't know if the specific job that I want is currently available, but I'm certainly going to look into it. Why do I want a new job, you ask? Well, do you know that saying, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself?" Yeah, well that's pretty much why.

And specifically, what is the job that I'm SO sure that I can do better than anyone else?

Simple......I want be a FORTUNE COOKIE WRITER......Because lately, every crappy fortune cookie that I've gotten contains a message that has apparently been written by a big, honkin dumb ass.

Case in point.....Here is the fortune that I got today at a Chinese restaurant near work: "You will be showered with good luch."

I'm not a "luch" expert, but it sounds to me like it might be pretty damn STICKY....and I have really thick Portuguese hair. I'm convinced that it would take me an awful long time to rinse that shit out of my tresses. No thank you, Chinese people. You can pretty much shove that "luch" where the sun don't shine.

And, last week, I got a fortune that said: "If you can't beat em, join em."

Not quite sure who "em" is. Let's see....maybe be a group of topless pole dancers? Or, perhaps a group of hippie rebels who grow marijuana for "medicinal" purposes? Um... I thinking that I'd better leave em' to their own devises as I am pretty sure that hubby would be pissed off if he had to bail my 39 year old ass out of the pokey because I've taken to hanging out with the "wrong" crowd.

Anyway, to combat my fortune cookie frustration, here's my attempt at creating some philosophical and original fortunes that I'm planning to submit to the CFCPA (Chinese Fortune Cookie Publishers of America):

Fortune 1: If you don't put the fork down, you will have a fatter ass than you already do.

Fortune 2: Don't be fooled by a deep fried cat in chicken's clothing.

Fortune 3: Don't talk to the horse's ass, talk to the horse's mouth (actual quote from my father-in-law).

Fortune 4: Problems are only opportunities to drink like the beast that you really are.

Fortune 5: If you can't beat em, beat em up with an ice pick.

Hmmm.....I don't know about you, but I'm feeling P-R-E-T-T-Y confident in my fortune writing abilities. I really think I've finally found my calling.


Jen said...

you definately should do that...it could be lucritive (sp?). You could be famous. People would have to preorder your fortunes and they would be as difficult to get as Oprah tickets!!!!!!!!

Heather said...

Luch, huh? Does sound pretty sticky, especially if you add "in bed" to the end (as you should to all good fortunes)...EWWWW

H.K. said...

I love those fortunes, you definitely have a knack for them!

Here's one other fortune:

"He who said,Flattery will get you nowhere, is a liar."