Today at work, I discovered a bad habit that I really didn't know I had.
On four different occasions, as I made my way to the bathroom, I stated to at least one person en route, " I have to pee."
Let me enlighten you further with one of today's episodes:
My friend Heather works for a company in the next suite over from mine. Both businesses share the restrooms. I also happen to do some work for her company. So, on one of my trips to the terlet (that's hillbilly speak for TOILET), Heather was going to ask me a question. As she commenced her inquiry, I said, "Wait a minute. I have to pee." And, I went a running.
What the hell is up with this behavior? I mean, really. Did I get my manners from the Junk Yard Dog School of Etiquette?
I realize that I only do this with people that I'm comfortable around. I mean, come on. You have to know that if I were having dinner with...um.....let's say.....President Barack Obama....and suddenly DOODY called, you can bet your arse that I would be refined enough to excuse myself without announcing my urge to pee or.....God forbid, pitch a loaf (nobody's classier than me).
In my more REFINED moments, I usually use one of the following terms:
1. Pardon me. I need to freshen up.
TRANSLATION: I need to check my teeth for spinach chunks, fluff up my hair, and reapply my lipstick.
2. Excuse me. I need to use the facilities.
TRANSLATION: I need to pee...and reapply my lipstick.
3. Anybody know where the hell the bathroom is?
TRANSLATION: I HAVE TO PEE/POO (OR COMBO) RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW OR IT IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY! Screw the &$#@%? lipstick!
One thing I never, ever say is, "I need to use the restroom." I hate that phrase. As far as I know, nobody goes into a public bathroom to REST. It's not like your going to waltz in there and find a nice puffy Lazy Boy recliner to sit in while you enjoy the FRESH air and sip an expensive glass of vintage port. People go in there to UNLOAD......Resting, NO......Pooping, YES.
Do yourself a favor. Rest when you get home...in your bedroom...where it doesn't smell like sewerage (um...hopefully).
OK. I've probably spoiled your dinner. I guess my work here is done.
Plus, I need to pee....