A Letter To My Gynecologist:
Dear Dr. McGenitals,
Yesterday, I came to visit you for a routine exam and as a result, I thought I should bring a few things to your attention.
First, I don't like that every time you come near me with that frigid metal speculum you say, "Here's comes that metal thing!" Like I should be so frickin excited....
And, it's not a metal thing. It's a freezing cold SPECULUM. And even though I am barlicky bare assed when in your presence, my brain still functions and I am able to process vocabulary words that contain more than two syllables. How about next time, I respond with a dropkick to your head and say, "And here comes that wooden thing (that would be the heel of my shoe, ladies).
Now, I would also like to file a complaint with your patient wardrobe department. Why? How about because I always freeze my arse off while waiting for you to drag your happy ass into the exam room. Do you really think that a paper sheet is going to keep me warm in a room that is -10 degrees?
Come on, DUDE! My insurance company is basically paying you to fondle my FUN BAGS and probe all around my HOOHA! And, I don't even ask you to buy me dinner first! Is it really too much to expect you to provide me with a cotton sheet instead of one made by Bounty? I don't need a "quicker picker upper" blankie. I need a "keep your nipples from shooting across the room because it is so damn cold" blankie. Please keep that in mind.
Finally, I do not need to hear how I am "up two pounds" from last year. I know that it's your "job" to make me aware of my weight gain. However, you are way fatter than me. And I mean W--A--Y fatter. So, step away from the naked chick, and go have yourself another Ring Ding, buster. Cuz I don't wanna hear it.
I think that'll do it for now.
See you next year!