Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Honey I Love You, But Give Me Park Avenue

I like to think of myself as a "city girl." I have always dreamed of living in a big city like Manhattan (will never happen), Boston (will never happen), or the smallest city near me, Providence (may happen someday).

Instead, I live in the country.

And when I say country, I mean C-O-U-N-T-R-Y.

How do I classify it being the country??

Well, besides all of the woods and animals and crazy critters that I can't identify, here you have it:

* I can not get pizza delivered to my house. This must be why I listen so intently to those frozen pizza commercials that swear that their brands taste just like delivery. Which, by the way, is a total crock of shit.

* If you are at my house and you suddenly develop a craving for Chinese food at 7:00pm on a Sunday night, well good for you! Looks like you're sticking to your diet after all because...Um...well, you're not getting any and while that may suck big ones, that's just too bad so sad cuz' that's just the way it is. Might as well kick back, relax, and enjoy yerself a bowl of Cheerios. Mmmmmm....Yummy.....

* Last year, PRAISE JESUS, we finally got a high speed internet connection. Can I get a "Whoo hoo" for technology, anyone??

And finally,

* My town is so hick that our newspaper, which contains the news of FOUR towns, is only published one day a week.

Dudes! Four towns only have enough news to share one newspaper ONE DAY A WEEK!! Do you get the ramifications of this fact?? That means that if some dude you know bit the BIG ONE (kicked the bucket) on Friday, you will not find out until the following Thursday! And by then, the grass on his grave has already grown in, for Pete's sake!

That is just crazy-hick, people! Where the hell am I, Green Friggin Acres??

And the other thing about our paper: Not only do we not have enough news to warrant a daily paper. But, now our one day a week paper sells personal ads. Yep, you can now turn to the classifieds, shop for a woman, and shop for the cow manure that will make the produce in your garden smell like crap, but grow like hell.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do have to say that I truly enjoy reading the personal ads.

Actually, I think they are the best part of the paper.

You should read them, too...especially when you want a good laugh or when you are feeling like a loser (we all have those days).

So, for your viewing pleasure, I bring you the best personal ad from this weeks Country Bumpkin Times (name changed to protect the lame):

Humor me while I respond to this jackass, will you?

OK. Um, Jackass?

You are 45! You've got no business messing with a 22 year old, you pervy bugger!

And, not only are you a perv, but you're a picky-ass perv.

Your woman has to be young, a non-smoker, have no dependants, and be under your weight limit??

Dude! Unless you look like George Friggin Clooney, you need to lower your damn standards!

And by the way, how do we know that YOU don't look or act like a horse's ass? Where's our guarantee that you're so special, huh??

And finally....

And this is a BIG finally here!

You want a woman who is young, skinny, lives and breathes only for you, who LIKES to COOK, CLEAN, AND SEW?? Let me tell you something pal. This is 2009.

And just because women do the majority of cooking and cleaning in their homes, doesn't mean that they just LOVE doing it.

No, actually, they do it because THEY (and their families) NEED TO EAT.....AND DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN FILTH.

That's why the term most often used when referring to such chores is called "HOUSEWORK."

Not because cleaning (and cooking) is fun, but because it is WORK.

And it is a necessity.

We don't love it! But, we have to do it anyway!

And so, Mr. Douche-ly. I have a suggestion.

If you need a housekeeper and/or cook, fork out some cash and HIRE ONE. Otherwise, call your Mommy to take care of you. Because, except for the age thing, she sounds exactly like the woman you're looking for.


H.K. said...

I always wanted to live out in the country, but after reading your post and because I like my Chinese Food and take out pizza, I'll just go there and visit.

By the way, I have feeling that was my brother in law who posted that ad. No wonder he's no longer married!

Deb said...

I hate to say it, but he's also disabled. I know it's terrible and not his fault, but I can't see many 22 year old chick wanting to care for a disabled man (maybe that's why there's a weight limit so she doesn't break his lap).

Sally said...

Yeah. I didn't want to be politically incorrect by pointing that out. But, I KNOW! And he's still so flippin picky!!