I got an e-mail from the m&m people.
Apparently, they think I am vulgar. Too bad I don't give a rat's hairy ass.
It all started when I ordered some personalized m&m's online as a birthday present for my friend, Lou.
The website's directions stated that I had to pick the candy's color, upload Lou's picture, and choose three messages that would be printed on the back of the candies.
So, I submitted my order requesting that these messages be printed opposite Lou's face on my baby blue customized m&m's:
Message 1: Bite Me (because it's funny)
Message 2: Eat Me (inspired by the Sex and The City episode where a man dressed like a sandwich pisses Miranda off by saying "eat me" every time she walks by)
Message 3: Freakin Old (because it amuses me to poke fun at people who are older than I am)
I was totally excited with my custom birthday find.
That is, until I got an e-mail from the m&m police telling me that my order was being cancelled because of the vulgar content that my messages contained.
Pissed off to high heaven, I called the contact number in the reprimanding e-mail and spoke to a representative. He told me that I could not put the word "freakin" on an m&m because the word FREAKIN is a connotation of the F-word.
Then he told me that "eat me" and "bite me" were also inappropriate messages and he would not allow them to be printed on my G-rated candies, either.
"Fine, " I said. "Whatever! It's a birthday present. Why don't you just print whatever you think is acceptable according to Emily Freakin Post, and get them to me as soon as possible."
I've been censored by the company whose slogan:
Melts in your mouth, not in your hands---could totally be misinterpreted by any number of pervy oink-ers.
Anyway, this is what they sent me:
Not too bad...But in the words of Frank Sinatra, they totally would have been better MY WAY.
Any-who, because this is my FREAKIN blog (Did you get that m&m people? I said FREAKIN!!) and I can say whatever the HELL I want to say here, I would like to conclude this post by thanking the Candy Coated Police for raining on my DAMN parade! And for squashing Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that is supposed to protect my freedom of speech.
Stupid, unoriginal bastards.