Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Bite Me....Squared

I got an e-mail from the m&m people.

Apparently, they think I am vulgar. Too bad I don't give a rat's hairy ass.

It all started when I ordered some personalized m&m's online as a birthday present for my friend, Lou.

The website's directions stated that I had to pick the candy's color, upload Lou's picture, and choose three messages that would be printed on the back of the candies.

So, I submitted my order requesting that these messages be printed opposite Lou's face on my baby blue customized m&m's:

Message 1: Bite Me (because it's funny)

Message 2: Eat Me (inspired by the Sex and The City episode where a man dressed like a sandwich pisses Miranda off by saying "eat me" every time she walks by)

And finally,

Message 3: Freakin Old (because it amuses me to poke fun at people who are older than I am)

I was totally excited with my custom birthday find.

That is, until I got an e-mail from the m&m police telling me that my order was being cancelled because of the vulgar content that my messages contained.

Pissed off to high heaven, I called the contact number in the reprimanding e-mail and spoke to a representative. He told me that I could not put the word "freakin" on an m&m because the word FREAKIN is a connotation of the F-word.

Then he told me that "eat me" and "bite me" were also inappropriate messages and he would not allow them to be printed on my G-rated candies, either.


"Fine, " I said. "Whatever! It's a birthday present. Why don't you just print whatever you think is acceptable according to Emily Freakin Post, and get them to me as soon as possible."


I've been censored by the company whose slogan:
Melts in your mouth, not in your hands---could totally be misinterpreted by any number of pervy oink-ers.

Anyway, this is what they sent me:

Front View:

Back View:

Not too bad...But in the words of Frank Sinatra, they totally would have been better MY WAY.

Any-who, because this is my FREAKIN blog (Did you get that m&m people? I said FREAKIN!!) and I can say whatever the HELL I want to say here, I would like to conclude this post by thanking the Candy Coated Police for raining on my DAMN parade! And for squashing Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that is supposed to protect my freedom of speech.

Stupid, unoriginal bastards.


MoraPiggy said...

Hiliarious!! I'm dying over here reading your post.

Sally said...

Thank you! Since the m&m people don't think I'm funny, I'm glad somebody does ;)

Watching and Weighting said...

I am ACTUALLY weeing reading this!! TOO FUNNY! (And I have ALWAYS wondered who the freak (yes I said 'freak') is Emily Post - they reference her so often in Gilmore Girls - is it an American thing? )

Sally i HEART your blog :) xxxx

Sally said...

Oh, Lizzie,

Thank you so much! And FYI, Emily Post was a very "refined" American woman who wrote books on good manners and proper etiquette.

I'm sure it's obvious by my posts that I have never read them ;)

H.K. said...

So are the M&M police descendants from the Puritans that came from the Mayflower? Talk about having a stick up your butt, theirs must be wedged in really deep, sorry for the visual!

On the upside the finished product still looks great, but your original idea it would have been hilarious!

Watching and Weighting said...

highly obvious! And thank God you didnt read them or your blog would be pants!!! :) Thanks for lettng me know who Emily Post was! I LOVE America x

*Bitch Cakes* said...

Effing jerks! Puts them in the club with Tabasco, Apple (who would not print "Bitch Cakes" on the back of an iPod for me) and Starbucks (who also would not personalize a card with "Bitch Cakes" for me, back when I was still a customer, that is).

They did come out really cute though. I didn't know they could do photos now that's very impressive!