Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Equality? My Ass....

My husband is a lucky man. No, not because he is married to me (although he should give thanks to Jesus EVERYDAY for this), but because he has the best metabolism EVER.

This Saturday is our seventeenth wedding anniversary.

In seventeen years, I have managed to gain twenty-five pounds.

In seventeen years, he has managed to gain zero pounds.

Some days, I am happy for him.

Most other days, like today, I want to pinch his nose closed and force feed him Twinkies until he loses consciousness.

Why am I feeling this way TODAY, you ask?

Observe what we BOTH had for dinner:

First, we ordered drinks (red Sangria) and bread with dipping oil (trust me, it gets way worse):

Then came the official first course which was fresh mozzarella, sandwiched between two pieces of Italian bread, dipped in egg wash, then fried and topped with marinara sauce:

To wash down the fried cheese, we had pasta with bolognese sauce:

Finally, we ended our meal with some UNBELIEVABLE cannolis (one each):

Now, I'll admit. Hubby and I ate the exact same things for dinner. The difference between us, however, is that when we got home, I dragged my sorry ass over to the treadmill because I felt GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY.

And the husband? Well, clearly, he did not feel guilty at all:

And the injustice of it all is that tomorrow, my husband will be the same weight that he is today......

And me? Despite my efforts, my thighs will rub together a little more than they do right now......potentially causing my pants to light on fire.

I don't know who coined the term, "Life isn't fair." But, I'm thinking it was definitely a woman.


H.K. said...

Your husband is a lucky man, he's the type of guy that most women want to strangle! Have you considered putting a weight gainer protein powder in his drinks?

Life really isn't fair and I agree I think that statement came from a woman who was married to a man with a fast metabolism.

Sally said...

Hmmm...Protein powder in his drinks? Why didn't I think of that?

Jen said...

Wow Sal....time flies....Happy Anniversary!!!! I remember not telling my parents I was sleeping over for you wedding!!!!!!

Sally said...

Jen, I know. Remember the turmoil? Man, we have known each other a long time :)

Rapunzel said...

Oh, how I can relate! My Man can *almost* fit into the jeans he wore in college, 25 years ago, he'd only need to lose about 5 pounds. He scarfs down fried food, beer, cookies, pizza, etc. with nary a pound added to his svelte frame.

As much as I love him, I hate him sometimes!

Anonymous said...

I hate people with perfect metabolisms too. And then I feel guilty for all of the disgust filled looks I give them while they eat pizza, and fries and real coke, and I'm eating salad. But hey....when life gives you lemons...don't you dare eat them!!

Sally said...

I SO feel your pain. Fried food, pizza, and beer? And he only has to lose about 5 pounds? What the hell?

Sally said...

I'm thinking, "When life gives you lemons, whip them at the naturally skinny people." They have no padding. They will bruise easily!

Jenn said...

In the 11 years that we've known each other, my husband has gained 5, maybe 10, pounds while I've packed on 60. If he really wanted to lose that weight, all he'd have to do is stop drinking beer. (Of course he says that is out of the question.) In order for me to lose 1 lb a week for the next 60 weeks, I've joined WW and fight my willpower every single minute of every single day to adhere to my daily point allotment. And on top of that battle, I do an 2 hours of Jazzercise a week. And if I'm a very good girl, the scale may or may not budget at my next weight in. There is no justice. :\

*Bitch Cakes* said...

I srsly love you.

If it makes you feel better, I gained 32 pounds within 6 *months* of marriage! (of course it's gone now, but still)

Anonymous said...

An ex-bf of mine, a man who liked to eat 18 oz steaks, once said to me: Isn't it weird how my stomach almost curves in?
Yeah. Weird. I. Hate. You.

Sally said...

Jenn---Sometimes you have to seek justice yourself, even if only in your mind (e.g., dreaming of force-feeding the husband Twinkies until he pukes).

Bitch Cakes---I love you more :)

Mary---An ex is an ex for a reason....Evil, evil man with a concave belly...I hate him, too.