Monday, June 22, 2009

They "Do"

The Scene: Debbie and Marc's Wedding
The Time: Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Place: Fall River, MA
Best Supporting Actress: Me, as "The Best Lady"

Here's the rundown:

Friday night, I had trouble sleeping. I was thinking about my dress and praying that it would fit because like EVERY woman who has an important date on the horizon, I had vowed to lose weight before the big day so that I could look buff. Yeah, right.

On Saturday morning, I, who would rather eat dirt than get up at the ass crack of dawn, got up really freakin early (did I mention I'm not a morning person?) to bathe, primp, and mold my big hair into a somewhat manageable state.

After applying my make-up and nailing down the hairdo, I put on my brand spankin new torpedo holders (a.k.a. very stiff underwire bra for large-ish jugs, like mine) followed by the body sausage that I've been bitching about for my last two posts:

After shimmying into the casing, I slowly stepped into the dress, pulled it up and sucked in as much air as humanly possible (David Blaine's got nothing on me) so that my husband could zip me up. Thankfully, the dress fit. But, let me just say that the top of the dress was TIGHTER than clenched butt cheeks after spicy Thai food! Seriously.

Any-who, after learning how to take short shallow breaths so I wouldn't hyperventilate or blow a hole in the side of my dress, the hubby and I went to pick up my Mom (the 78 year-old Portuguese Sophia Petrillo). Then, we picked up the bride and made our way to the ceremony.

The the midst of the I-do's:

The Wedding Party (L to R, Best Lady, Best Man, Bride, and Groom):

Sally and Deb (BTW, Friends since we were four, we're both turning forty this summer...AAAHHHH!!!):

Paul (the hubby) and my Mom....Nice tie, buddy! Hope it's not too confining! Hehehehehe:

And finally, Mom and me:

Funny story about my Mom...Because she tends to say whatever the hell she feels like saying at inopportune moments, I gave her a warning and told her to keep any comments that might cause someone to whip a teacup at her head to herself. She pretty much heeded the warning. But at one point, a friend of mine asked her if she was having a good time. Her response, "Mmmmm...Yeah (unconvincingly).....But I like to go shopping on Saturdays." Translation: I'd rather be at Macy's.

Then she looked at me and smiled.

For this week at least, she's escaped the wrath of Shady Pines.

Epilogue: After the wedding reception, the bride and groom, truly happy and in love, rode off into the sunset where they lived happily ever after.....Until seventeen years later when the groom, despite eating like a beast, still weighed the same as he did on his wedding day and the bride, having gained at least twenty-five pounds, wanted to bust his face.

Oh, wait. That's my story.

The End.


nic said...

You look wonderful.

LAF said...

That was a great post! Funny and with many things I could relate to. Weddings are like no other event on the planet. You looked great btw.

Sally said...

Thank you, ladies. You are so sweet ;)

Anonymous said...

Ok, you had me on the floor laughing. For the record, I thought you looked wonderful. BTW, thank you for making your blog comments available to those of use without specific accounts, I often find I cannot leave a comment on other blogs when I would. Sigh.


Sally said...

I love the feedback! Thanks for taking the time to comment and for saying I looked "wonderful." Your $20 bucks are in the mail ;)

Chellie has Issues said...

Funny post. Your mom is a crack up! I think you looks great in the dress and it didn't look too tight at all! I bet it felt good when you got to take it all off though huh?

Jenn said...

Lady, you are a freakin' hoot! Love reading your blog. BTW...Sophia is my fave GG character. ;-)

Hanlie said...

You looked fabulous! Obviously the body stocking worked... I really like the bride's dress too!

starfish264 said...

That's a fab dress - looking good!

I love your descriptions - "getting up at the butt crack of dawn" cracked me up, as did the mention of the torpedo holder - my mate used to call hers the "shoulder boulder holder" lol.

Glad the whole thing went well though - the pictures are lovely.

p.s. my mum used to say whatever the hell she thought too .... some dicey moments of breath-holding to see what would come out of her mouth sometimes!

Jen said...

Glad everything went well....Happy almost Birthday!!

Sally said...

Chellie--When I finally took the dress off, I swear I saw Jesus. Well, maybe not. It was probably just the infusion of oxygen filling my body ;)

Sally said...

Jenn--Thank you for the kind words. I love Sophia, as well. But, I am kind of partial to Blanche. Her sluttiness is hilarious;)

Sally said...

Hanlie--Thank you for the kind words;)

Starfish--I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has a Mom that lacks a mouth filter ;)

And Jen--Thank you for the birthday wishes! But, I'll have you know that I am stil 39 for another 36 days. I know. It's called DENIAL.