Thursday, June 18, 2009


This Saturday, I am going to be the "Best Lady" in my friend, Debbie's wedding.

The last time I was an attendant in a wedding, I was nineteen.

My body has changed a lot since then...and NOT for the better.

When I was nineteen, I wore a size 8.

My "girls" used to hang out comfortably in the northern hemisphere.

And, back then, I thought cellulite was an urban myth.

Now that I'm thirty-nine, I'm pretty sure it would take a loaded handgun to the skull to get me to publicly divulge my size.

As for my "girls?" Well, damn it! They are heading south like senior citizens to Miami.

And the cellulite myth? All I have to say about that is why the hell didn't anybody warn me? Seriously! Dimples on a babies butt? CUTE. Dimples on my butt? Get me a barf bag.

You're probably wondering what triggered this body image rant?

It actually stemmed from a conversation that I had with my husband about Saturday's wedding. It went like this:

Hubby: Do I have to wear a tie to the wedding?

Me: Yes, you have to wear a tie to the wedding.

Hubby: UHHH!!!(pouting sound) Why?

Me: Because it looks nice.

Hubby: I hate wearing ties. They're too confining.

Me: Oh, really! *insert crazed look here* Too confining, huh? Well, in order for me to look NICE at the wedding, I'm wearing a DAMN BODY SAUSAGE under my dress. You wanna trade????

Hubby: (put off by crazed look in my eyes) I'll wear a tie.

Me: Thank you.

Hubby: Your welcome.

Moral of the Story: Never mess with a woman wearing a sausage casing. The lack of oxygen to her lungs will make her vicious.


Jen said...

Thats hilarious!!

starfish264 said...

Oh my god - I just found via MsBitchCakes recommendation - you're genius!!

I've only read the first post on here, and I'm signing up following you / hanging on your every work already!!

Guys - they have no idea what we go through - just because we make looking good look so effortless! lol

Hanlie said...

Wearing a tie is the LEAST he can do! This was very funny! Thanks! And enjoy the wedding despite the lack of blood to your extremities...

I'm also 39 and I've just named my girls Blanche and Dorothy!

Sally said...

Thanks for the support ladies! We are: Women In Spanx United!

Tina said...

This made me laugh out loud. I'll have to use this the next time mine protests a tie.

Rapunzel said...

God, those things are brutal! I wore one to my daughter's wedding last summer, the thing was so tight and uncomfortable and the wires actually made a freakin' blister between my boobs! I don't know how those 1950's women wore girdles all the time, I swear a corset would be more comfortable, or at least cuter!

MochaTrina said...

Yeah and do not drink liquids or you'll be tap dancing in the bathroom tyring to pull it up. One time I went to Gringo's for mexican food and I had on my body sausage. Well I had one margarita to many and had to go to the banyo. When I finished I was faced with the dauting task of pulling up the sausage. It didn't want to cooperate so I had to shimmy and salsa to the beat of the bathroom music to coax my sausage back up.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what I find funnier. The post itself, or the irony of that the post follows... - FP

Trainer Shauna said...

LMAO! Love it!!