Monday, July 13, 2009

The Conspiracy Theory

By now, you must all know that I am less than thrilled about my upcoming 40Th birthday. I hate to keep rehashing my inability to kiss my 30's goodbye. But, I need to warn you about something. I think there's a conspiracy going on. I don't know whose responsible. But, I know they must be stopped.


It started last week. I was craving Chinese food, so the hubby took me out for some chicken and broccoli. When we were finished eating, the waitress brought us the check and two fortune cookies. I never eat my fortune cookie. I always break it in half, read the fortune, then hand the cookie to the hubby for his consumption. On this day, the routine was no different...except for the fact that my fortune SUCKED.


Lovely. The fortune cookie people are cleverly informing me that my transition into the 40's will absolutely turn me into a judgemental shrew. I've got nothing to say to that except that the fortune cookie people can bite me.

And if you ask me, I'm far from being judgemental. I'm actually more vulgar. There's a difference, Confucius. Get it straight.

After my Chinese dinner, I asked hubby to swing by the pharmacy. I had PMS (hence the salty Chinese food craving) and needed to purchase some girlie stuff (I know... TMI, right?). I always go to the same pharmacy because I like to utilize my extra care card:

If you're not familiar with the extra care promotion, it basically entails signing up for one of the store's cards. Every time you make a purchase at one of this particular pharmacy's stores (CVS), the cashier scans your card and you earn cash rewards for your purchases and receive discount specific coupons upon checkout.

On this particular jaunt to the pharmacy, I handed my goods over to the cashier, she scanned my card, I paid for my thingies, and THEN, I was rewarded for being a loyal customer with these three coupons:

Seriously, CVS? Friggin seriously?!

What the hell? You shower me with coupons for GasX, Maalox, antacids, and friggin Metamucil? All on the same shopping trip? Dudes! Are you trying to push me over the edge or something?

Come on! Where the hell are my coupons for Maybelline Great Lash Mascara, lip gloss, and maxi pads?! I'm still only 39, you buttholes!

Extra Care, my ass.

It's a conspiracy to make me feel old, I tell you. And when I find out who's freakin responsible, SOME HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL.


Deb said...

I hear ya, I, who am turning 40 just 11 days after you sister, keep getting some old lady footwear catalog in the mail, you know where they sell geezer shoes and bunyon pads and such! What the hell! I'm freakin' out.

MoraPiggy said...

**cracking up**

LAF said...

Nice! I laughed out loud!!

Rapunzel said...

LMAO (I wish it were that easy to lose some cushion back there!)

Hanlie said...

I just booked the venue for my 40th birthday this morning - 53 days and counting! I'll keep an eye on the ads I get sent from now on - as you say, just let me catch them making fun of my age!

Watching and Weighting said...

seriously laughing my head off!!!! oh Sally you do make me giggle.

LOVE the distinction between judgemental shew and increased vulgarity!


Jenn said...

Yeah, it is a conspiracy. But just think, in like 30 years, you can walk down the street and mutter to yourself, occasionally spewing obscenities, and no one will say anything because they think you're just a crazy old bat!

Anonymous said...

Lol I am 41 nothing magically happens and no bolt of lightning comes from the sky. But I was one of those freaks who LOVED turning 40 and wore a tiara(I'm psycho I can do that) and partied for three days. Mais fica-Portuguese? I had an old love who used to say that...

Sally said...

Yes. It's a Portuguese term meaning "more for me."

I am a glutton. Hence, the blog title ;)

*Bitch Cakes* said...

OMG that is so friggin hilarious! Wow.