Today is my 40TH birthday. And I had big plans for this post. I really did. First, I was going to write about how may times in the last month I have heard people say, "40 is the new 30." Which of course is a total crock of shit because 40 is 40 and 30 is 30 and if you think that these two milestones can be interchanged in any way, shape, or form, then you are clearly suffering from early onset dementia and you'd better get your happy ass to a doctor so he can put you on the necessary medication that will halt the progression of your brain rot. Seriously.
Then, I was going to discuss how many times in the last month people said to me, "You're only as old as you feel." OK. Puh-leeze. Do I look like I'm borderline or something (don't answer that)? Um, hello people! I don't really give a rat's hairy ass how you feel. You're only as old as YOUR DAMN BIRTH CERTIFICATE SAYS YOU ARE. Hmmm...And if you were born on July 29, 1969, that would make you 40!
And finally, I wanted to address the numnuts who have been telling me, "40 is just a number." UM, NO. Completely untrue. You see....eigteen...yeah, it's just a number. Twenty-five, is just a number. Thirty-two, is just a freakin number! Forty? IS A SHITTY NUMBER.
Now, like I previously said, my intent was to discuss all of this mumbo jumbo in this, my 40TH birthday blog. But, some people have thrown a HUGE monkey wrench in my day! I hate it when that happens. You see, aside from my husband and my mother, I rarely speak of my family....not because they don't do shit that is TOTALLY blog worthy. But, because I try to respect their privacy. And this privacy thing? Today, and forever...as long as we all shall live? Is now completely shot to shit....totally out the frickin window, dudes. Wanna know why? Of course you do! Well, in honor of my 40TH birthday, which I am dealing with, but am NOT particularly excited about (Did you know this?), my sisters put my first grade picture in the local newspaper. Please observe the work of Satan's sisters:
Oh, oh, oh! And besides the humiliation and mockery behind the intent of this public display of poo, wanna know what else? Do ya? Well, look a little closer, por favor:
DUDES!!!! I'M ON THE OBITUARY PAGE!!!! LIKE WITH THE DEAD PEOPLE!!!!! WTF???
You know that saying, You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives? Um. I'd like to amend that to: You can't pick your sisters. But, you can annihilate the stinkin whores on your blog.
Happy Birthday To Me!!