Monday, July 20, 2009

I'll Have A Glass Of Hemlock With My Tofu

I consider myself to be a tad bit introverted. That's why I don't understand why I seem to have that kind of face. I don't know what it is, really. But no matter where I go, questionable people (as in batshit crazy) strike up conversations with me. I can sit quietly, reading a book in the doctor's office awaiting my appointment, and a dude sitting nearby will feel the need to discuss his leaky rhoids (as in hemor) with me, like a give crap about his itchy pustules and the fluid they ooze.

Saturday's episode of crazy stranger trying to converse with me was exceptionally unappreciated. You see, I was in the midst of having dinner with the hubby. In case you didn't know this, eating out is our hobby. I, more so than the hubby, am extremely TIGHT with food. I am a self proclaimed foodie, hence my constant pursuit of a smaller ass. So, unless you want me to stab you in the neck with my butter knife, please do not bother me when I am eating. Just saying.

Any-who, during dinner, I noticed a woman annoyingly staring at me. Every time I looked in her direction, she was watching me. I looked away and asked the hubby to take a glance in her direction to see if he recognized her. He said no. Oh well, I thought. Maybe I look like someone she knows. Whatever.

As I continued eating my dinner, I suddenly heard her say, "You shouldn't drink that." I looked in her direction and OF COURSE you have to know that she was talking to me. I responded, "Excuse me?" This time she pointed to my can of Diet Coke and said, "That. You shouldn't drink that. You are killing yourself with that. It's poison. Do you know what kind of chemicals are in that? Ugh!"

Now, let me just say that I can be a tad vulgar (oh alright, maybe a smidgen more than a tad). But, I am not judgemental. I eat and drink most things in moderation. And I do not judge others by what or how they eat. Seriously. I don't care about that shit because I am not the food police. Whatever floats your boat....That's my motto. However, when Gigunda Ginorma is sitting not far from me ingesting a huge plate of FRIED FISH AND FRENCH FRIES TOPPED WITH ONION RINGS (I am so serious!), it is completely unacceptable for her to preach to me about what is healthy and what is not. What the hell?

So, I took a deep breath, looked at Mary Fish Fry and pointing to her plate I said, "What about that! Do you think you should be preaching to me when you are eating a heart attack on a plate? Seriously! You should mind your damn business, sister."

Just then, the hubby began to slink down into his chair, hoping that this exchange was over. And it was. Fish & Chip Frannie gave me a good glare and turned away (Ooooh...I'm shaking in my slingbacks). Bi-otch.

After about twenty minutes, Fish Head left the restaurant. She gave me one more dirty glance before she walked out and seizing the moment, I held up my can of Diet Coke and said, "Cheers!" Then hubby looked at me and said, "Why does this shit always happen to you?"

I don't know. I guess I just have that kind of face.

10 comments:

happyfunpants said...

Okay, THAT is crazy.

I don't even know what I'd do...

I'm sorry that that happened to you. Whether you were eating on a date with the hubby or on a bus, no one deserves that kind of judgement.

I do love that you toasted her though. That's funny. :)

Sally said...

Ms. Pants,
I thought the hubby was going to fall off his chair when I toasted her. He gave me a look and I said, "WHAT? She started it!"

I never said I was mature ;)

petunia said...

You are HILARIOUS. I love it. Love the story. I raise my Diet Coke to salute you.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Maybe you should switch to drinking Hemlock Zero. All the great taste, zero calories.

Anonymous said...

Me and my Diet Coke thuroughly enjoyed that :)

-Kerri from Enzymatic Therapy

Rapunzel said...

OMG, where did she get off? *shaking head* People have some kinda nerve, don't they? So glad you gave her a piece of your mind, biotch indeed!

Hanlie said...

I happen to agree with her about it being poison, but I would never, ever tell a stranger that! That's just wrong!

Chellie has Issues said...

OMG I can't believe you gave it right back to her! Love it! Some times I have balls like that while other times I look around wondering what universe I had to have landed in or wondered if I was in a hidden camera video where I don't want to look foolish. And the guy blabbery on about the rhoids...ewww! SO sorry yu have that kinda face! :)

Alea said...

You know, I love it that you have that face... It gave me good laugh!!! :)

Watching and Weighting said...

BRILLIANT!!!! Cheeky cow who does she think she is!!!! I too suffer from the 'NUTTER MAGNET' syndrome (TM) which attracts aforementioned 'batshit crazies' to me...why must they always talk to me?!!??!!

We all have our crosses to bear Sally! :)