Friday, August 28, 2009

Sorry, Karl. You're Not My Type.

Day 5 of The Vegas Extravaganza: The Final Frontier

On the last night of our Vegas vacation, I decided to put Dr. Wayne Dyer's theory about the Power of Intention to the test. In my mind, I consistently rehearsed my mantra saying to myself, "I intend to win a ginormous jackpot so I can retire and be the Portuguese Princess that I was meant to be."

So, I walked around the Wynn Casino until I found the sparkiest, most colorful, slot machine with the highest progressive jackpot that I could find...TEN MILLION DOLLARS.

I sat down at the machine, loaded it up with a $50 dollar bill, and began "max betting." After about 45 minutes, my initial fifty dollar investment had grown to FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS! Whoo hoo!

Just as I was pondering whether I should take the money and run, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to my right and blonde woman(?) that looked like Karl Malden:

Amateur Artist's Rendition:

She smiled at me and said, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I use that ashtray?" It was sitting to the right of my ten million dollar slot machine. Immediately, I picked it up, handed it to her and said, "Oh, no. Not at all. Here you go!" And I smiled.

Without batting a manly eyelash, she responded, "I can tell you don't smoke. You have L-O-V-E-L-Y skin."

"Oh, thanks," I said. And I turned away because I swear I saw her lick her lips or something. Ewwwwww....What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But "her and I" WERE NOT HAPPENING IN VEGAS! Not taking my snub for an answer, she said again, "NO. REALLY! YOU ARE LOVELY."

Immediately I thought, Son-of-a-bitch. She wants to have me for dinner. So I ignored her, dug my cell phone out, and called the hubby...all the while playing max bet on my slot machine because I knew that the Power of Intention was going to bring me the big bucks.

And here is the conversation I had with Hubs:

Hubs: HELLO?

Me: Paul? Where are you?

Hubs: Playing roulette. Why?

Me: You have to get over here right now!

Hubs: But, I'm winning.

Me: I don't care! There's a crazy lesbian lady that looks like Karl Malden from his Streets of San Francisco days hitting on me. She's staring and creeping me out!

A minute later, Hubs showed up. Karl or Karla, or whatever the hell you want to call her, kept smiling and batting her eyes at me from a video slot machine to my right. Blecccch!

I cashed out the remainder of my moolah and walked fast.

What I want to know is this: How come the Power of Intention didn't bring me a huge financial jackpot, but it brought me a lesbian that looked just like Karl Malden (BTW, I could totally do better than her)?

I never freakin intended for that to happen, Dr. Wayne Dyer.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Hit on by a Karl Malden lesbian? That's a pretty tame story, by Vegas standards.

*Bitch Cakes* said...

OMG woman, you're hilarious. I love your "artist's rendition". For what it's worth, I was hit on by a couple this past weekend. The woman was REALLY persistent, too. And what did my friends do? They were all totally aware of what was going on but they were too busy enjoying the entertainment, making comments like it was a spectator sport. No one came over to help drag me away. At least your husband came to your rescue. That's better than any jackpot!

Rapunzel said...

but darling you are lovely! *batting my own non-Karl eyelashes here*

Seriously, LMAO! Only you, hon, only you!