Monday, August 24, 2009

Viva Las Vegas

Hello, my friends! Did you miss me? Did ya?

Well, if you didn't, you can pretty much bite me. If you did, then I love you too, man!

So, you're probably wondering where the hell I've been....

I went to Vegas, baby!

Here's the deal. Last Sunday, hubby and I decided to fly off to Sin City to surprise our friends, Lou and Linda. I know what you're thinking. Lou is a crazy bastard in his natural habitat. What kind of trouble could he possibly get me into in a town known for boozing, gambling, and sexual deviance?

Plenty. That's for damn sure.

And I'm going to tell you all about it this week right here. Please note that since this will be Vegas Week on my blog, you may want to shield the kiddies from my CUH-RAZY rants and raves. Just sayin.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

So, last Sunday, the hubby and I flew to Vegas. When we got there, we checked into our hotel (the Wynn...which is so AWESOME, by the way), threw our luggage in our room, and set out to surprise Lou and Linda with our presence.

We knew that they were in Palm Springs and we wanted to be creative about announcing our arrival in Vegas. So, we decided to cart Little Louie, the pervy little doll that they gave the hubby for his birthday, around town and take pictures of him at some "famous" Vegas locations (a la the Travelocity Gnome). Then, we would email the photos to Lou's phone.

Here's the first hint we gave them announcing that we were in town:

Little Louie yanking his Wee Wee in in front of the Bellagio....

When Lou and Linda didn't respond to this photo, we emailed them another one:

Little Louie polishing his Rocket at Restaurant Spago (Please accept my sincere apologies, Mr. Wolfgang Puck)

After we STILL didn't get a response from Lou and the Missus, we were like WTF? Are they ignoring us? Where the hell are they? So, again we emailed them a picture of Pervy Little Louie:

Here he is. This time, spanking his Monkey at Caesars Palace:

About two hours later, with still no response from Lou, I was pissed. He was ruining my very creative surprise arrival in Las Vegas. What the hell? So, Hubs and I, tired from all of the looks we were getting from carting around that wretched little doll, headed back to our hotel room. Once there, I grabbed my cell phone and I called Lou. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hello LOUIS (Think Hello Neuman on Seinfeld)!

Lou: What do you want?

Me: Um. Did you get the pictures that I sent you?

Lou: Yes. I just called your house to tell you how funny they are. You are amazing at Photoshop!

Me: I didn't use Photoshop.

Me: Yeah, right.

Me: I'm not kidding. We're here.

Lou: You're where?

Me: Paul and I are Vegas.

Lou: YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! Hey, Linda (to his wife). She says they're in Vegas! SALLY, YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!

Me: Lou, I'm not kidding. WE ARE HERE.

(Linda grabs the phone)

Linda: Honey, where are you?


Linda: You wouldn't lie to a former nun, would you (yes, she was a sister for 25 years and now she's married to Lou and hey, we all have our crosses to bare, right?)?

Me: Linda, listen to me. We are in Las Vegas. I swear. I will prove it by sending you a picture of Little Louie in our hotel room. Hold on.

And so I sent them this picture of Little Louie snapping his Carrot in our hotel room:

Finally, Lou, who still didn't believe me said, "I'll believe it when you call me back on a land line." Then CLICK. He hung up the phone. Bastard.

So I picked up the hotel phone, dialed his cell, and he answered, "Son of a bitch! You are here! We're leaving Palm Springs right now! We'll be there in a few hours!"

Fast forward to midnight....

Lou, Linda, the Hubby, and myself are sitting in a Vegas restaurant washing down some grilled pizza and calamari with Sangria. Linda and Lou are exhausted from their drive. The hubby and I are beat to hell because we only slept one hour in the last two days. When we finished eating, we decided that we were all way too exhausted to do anything else but sleep. So, off we went to our hotel rooms (they stayed next door to us at the Encore) to get some shut eye.

As the hubby and I rode the elevator to the twenty second floor, we peered at ourselves in the mirror on the wall.

I seriously let out a gasp and said aloud to Hubs, "Dude. One hour of sleep in the last two days...We look like we've been ridden hard and put away wet."

To which Hubs responded, "Yeah. We look like total shit. But, you know what they say.....What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

Amen to that, brother. Seriously.

Stay Tuned For Tomorrow's Episode: It's Easy To Buy Friends At The Hotel Pool When You Ply Them With Liquor


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

What the Puck was he doing on the table at Spago?

Sally said...

Ha, ha, ha! Jack, you are too funny!

LAF said...

Did lil' Louie choke his chicken at the Excalibur? Or maybe he pounded his pud at The Flamingo? Either way it looks like you all had a great time!

Sally said...

Oh, man. I see where this is going....Hehehehe.

Hanlie said...

Man, you are funny!

AZ Colleen said...

The video black jack at the Mirage is pretty lucky - FYI. Also, Imperial Palace after Midnight is a hoot!!!

Love your blog and will certainly de-lurk for a post like this. What an awesome way to surprise your friends!!!

TjRenee said...

Ooooh, can't wait for the rest of your stories! Las Vegas week indeed.

I loved how you tried to surprise them and they called your house. OMG! Funny.

Sally said...

Colleen, thanks so much for delurking! I'm so glad you're here! And I wish to hell I had known about the Video Black Jack at the Mirage last week! I would have tried it for sure! Next time ;)

*Bitch Cakes* said...

Darn it, I was hoping to see the photo from the elevator! What a smart way to announce your presence in Vegas! (and that doll really is wretched. Where on earth did he find that... never mind. I don't want to know.)