Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Are You There, Jesus? It's Me, Sally.

Something strange happened to me at work last week.

As is standard practice, the phone rang and I looked at the caller ID.

I always look at the caller ID. Because, while I know that telemarketers are only doing their jobs, I don't like talking to them much and I try to avoid them whenever I can.

On this day, I looked at the caller ID fully expecting it to say UNAVAILABLE or UNKNOWN CALLER. But it didn't. Instead, it read: Jesus Christ.

I am not kidding.

Immediately, I yelled to Hubby who was at the other end of the building, "Hey Paul! Look at the caller ID! Jesus is calling!"

He made a face. And I knew he was thinking what I was thinking.

What the hell?*

*And before anyone feels the need to point out that I said the word hell in a post about Jesus, let me be the first to say that Jesus has heard me (AND YOU) say a lot worse. So, get down off your high horse before Jesus hears me tell you to bite me.

OK. Now back to the story....

The phone rang, I saw that it was Jesus, I yelled to the hubby that Jesus was calling, and I cautiously answered:

Me: Hello?

Jesus: Hi. Can I speak to Sally, please?

Me: Um. This is Sally. How can I help you?

Jesus: Yeah. Hi. I'm calling from Providence Business News to inform you that because you are a loyal customer, your subscription qualifies for a discounted rate of only sixty-nine dollars a year!

Me: Man! Do you mean to tell me that this recession is even affecting Heaven?

Jesus Impostor: Excuse me?

Me: When you called, my caller ID said Jesus was calling.

Jesus Impostor: Really?

Me: Yeah, really. Why is that?

Jesus Impostor: I have no idea.

Me: You have no idea....Hmmm...Are you calling me from a church?

Jesus Impostor: No. I'm calling you from California.

Me: Well, you kind of freaked me out a little. Seriously.

Jesus Impostor: I'll have to talk to my supervisor about this.

Me: (annoyed)Yeah. You do that! Jeez.

And then, click. I hung up.

Anywho, on Saturday night, I went out for dinner with some friends, one of whom just happens to be a priest. I told him all about how I almost crapped my pants when Jesus called.

I fully expected him to give me a literal speech about "how we should always be ready when Jesus calls." But instead, he said, "You can buy a device on the Internet that when plugged into your phone system, can produce whatever name or telephone number you want on the caller ID box of the person you are calling."

He wasn't kidding, people.

You can totally make people (who are avoiding you) take your calls by buying one of these bullshit gadgets and pretending you are someone else.

I know one thing. I've learned my lesson.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

And when Oprah finally calls, she's going to have to leave me a damn message.


H.K. said...

Man, I miss reading your blog! You had Jesus calling you on the phone and your husband's name is Paul, one of Jesus favorite disciples. I thought the phone call was for your hubby!

Debs said...

I'll tell you one thing sister, if Keanu calls, I'm picking up!!

Watching and Weighting said...

sally, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease write a book!

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I've never heard of that gadget before! Now you can't trust your phone anymore!

Just like with the advent of Photoshop you can't trust pictures either!!

Who can you trust??

Hanlie said...

You really are one of the funniest people in the blogosphere!

Anonymous said...

So, is your friend an Episcopalian priest? Just curious.

Sally said...

Thanks for the encouragement, ladies!

Erin, nope. He's Catholic.

Anonymous said...

I just went down to this wonderful church in Hyannis, you would love it. You should go and see it and then go to Sam Diego's... Oprah

Sally said...

That's funny. Jon Bon Jovi wasn't all that impressed with that church. But, I'll definitely swing by Sam's for a Margarita if you'll meet me there. Have your people call my people.