My mother is seventy-eight years old. Because she takes her appearance VERY seriously, my husband and I have nicknamed her Fashion Show Alda.
She wears jewelry, color coordinated outfits, makeup, and high heels every flipping day---even if she doesn't leave the house.
On Saturday, I took her to a birthday party at a family member's house.
She was wearing RED strappy high heels.
Everyone commented on how lovely her shoes were.
And I swear she thought she was all that and a bag of chips.
Then my niece, Jennifer (who is seriously the apple that fell from my Mama's tree), looked at her shoes and was like WTF?
Why that reaction, you ask?
Because she was wearing the same freakin style shoes as my mother, HER GRANDMOTHER....except Jen's were black.
And the funny thing is....Jen is only twenty-nine.
So, Jennifer started to tease my mother, trying to ONE-UP her by saying, "Vavo (Portuguese word for grandmother), I'll bet MY shoes cost more than yours! I got mine at The Shoe Box and they were TWENTY DOLLARS!"
The old lady turned her nose up in the air and responded *insert Portuguese accent here*, "I no like dat welfare store. My shoes are moa better dan yours. Dey were seventy-five dollars at Macy's."
Translation: You're my granddaughter and I love you, but---Bitch, please.
And with that, the old lady walked away, shaking her butt---like she thought she crapped Haagen-Dazs ice cream or something.
Black Strappy Shoes: $20.00
Red Strappy Shoes: $75.00
A Smack-down From Your 78 Year Old Grandmother: Priceless