Friday, September 18, 2009

Maybe I Need An Attitude Adjustment

The Best Compliments I've Ever Received:

1* A friend recently said to my husband, "You should get a pit bull. Then you'll have two. One that wears lipstick and one that doesn't."

My Response: "Bite me, Trophy Head."

2* I have a friend who is a priest. He sent me an email saying, "I found your theme song. Click here."

My Response: "Evil woman! Suh-weet! I must be doing something right!"

3* When an acquaintance saw how clean and organized the trunk of my car was, she glared at me in amazement and said, "You're sick."

My Response: "Dude, it's not my fault you're a pig."

4* Upon my arrival at a birthday party, a family member announced, "Well, if it isn't the rich bitch."

My Response: "Well, if it isn't the jealous Ho!"

And finally,

5* During a verbal argument between two family members (which had nothing to do with me), I tried to calm one of the fools down. He looked me square in the eye and slurred, "You think you're sooooo smart just because you went to college."

My Response: It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you're an asshole.

Conclusion:

OK. I'm going out on a limb here. But let me analyze these so-called compliments for a second...

Apparently, I'm:

-A Lipstick Wearing Pit bull?
-An Evil Woman?
-An Overly Neat Sicko?
-A Rich Bitch?
-Smart?

Son-of-a-bitch.

I've turned into Sarah Palin.

5 comments:

Rapunzel said...

No way, Baby. She isn't smart and you're not an animal killer. Plus, I wouldn't be caught dead hanging with that bitch but I'd party with you anytime!

Of course, I've also been accused of being sickeningly neat and get called a bitch on a regular basis..but I digress...

Sally said...

Thanks Michele! I love you, too!!!

Hanlie said...

Girl, you need an intervention! But yeah, I agree with Rapunzel - your smarts disqualify you...

MoraPiggy said...

No adjustment needed.

pinkymcpie said...

awesome. I don't think anything is wrong with YOU at all!