Thursday, September 10, 2009

Sally Fields Is My Real Mother

My Mother's been bugging me for WEEKS to have a yard sale at her house. Traditionally, we have a yard sale once every summer. She loves to do it because we spend the day outside canoodling with neighbors, drinking coffee, and eating pizza.

I hate to do it because I have to lug all of the boxes out of the basement, set up the tables, sell the crap, and clean up when the day is done. It is EXHAUSTING, to say the least.

But, whatever. I do it to make the old lady happy. Oh, hell. Who do I think I am fooling? I do it to shut her up already. And to clean out her basement, which seems to be a dumping ground for my family's crap.

Last Saturday, I finally decided to bite the bullet and take on the chore. Hubby and I got up at the ass crack of dawn and headed to Mama's house to begin the tasks of carrying boxes, sorting through shit, and fending off the early birds who were looking for good deals.

I have to tell you that loads of interesting people showed up to buy our wares...Not interesting in an Oooh what an interesting person to talk to kind of way.

Nope.

It was more like an Oh shit this creepy guy with no teeth keeps looking at my boobs and I'd better hide my purse in the house before he steals all of my freakin money kind of interesting.

I mean, seriously. What kind of person buys a used toilet brush?

I know, I know. I put it out there. But I was conducting an experiment...you know...to see if someone would actually buy it.

Turns out, people will buy anything if the price is right. Thank you drunk lady from the bar across the street who bought my Susan Lucci Skin Care Set that I got two Christmases ago! I'm sure you'll look a lot less like a junkyard dog in no time!

Anyway, after all of that sorting and selling and wanting to choke my Mother's neighbors, I was able to score a classic Alda (my Mama) story for you. You're going to love it.

My friends, Lou and Linda showed up at the yard sale to lend some support.

Actually, the truth is, Lou showed up to haggle with and torture my sister, Jenny, because he thought it would be fun. But, whatever.

Anyway, my Mother hears all of the commotion, comes out of the house (she had to pee...I know, T.M.I), and gets in on the fun.

THE NEXT THING I KNOW, Lou and Linda are in her house and she is walking around pointing at photos on the walls, giving them a pictorial overview of my entire life. Seriously.

It went like this:

Mama: (in her Portuguese accent) Dat is Sally when she take-a first communion.

Mama: Dat is Sally when she take-a confirmation.

Mama: Dat is Sally when she grad-juate from high school.

Mama: Dat is Sally right be-foe-a she get married.

And all the while, Lou and Linda are nodding in interest.....

Then, all of a FREAKIN SUDDEN, she starts acting all pensive and nodding. She tilts her old lady helmet head (A.K.A the Aqua Net Jungle) to the left and says, "You know...Be-foe-a, Sally moe-a skinny."

Yeah! Can you freakin believe her? Before, Sally was more skinny!

As soon as she said it, I cleared my throat LOUDLY, "AHEM!" She looked at me like Oh shit, I'm in trouble now. And said, "But, you know...Sally look-a nice now, too."

Good save, Sophia Petrillo. That'll keep you out of Shady Pines for at least one more week.

1 comment:

Abbey Shaw said...

*giggles*
Family is pretty neat, huh.