Sit down. You are not even going to believe this shit.
I read an article about a new kind of vodka that's busted out onto the scene.
Now, before I go any further, let me just say that on occasion, I enjoy a nice frou frou mixed drink that's made with a good premium vodka. I even like those flavored vodkas that are infused with a hint of fruity goodness like raspberry or orange. Can I get an AMEN sistas and bruthas! OK. Wait. What the hell just happened? I've apparently turned into a Baptist preacher or something...
Give me a second to calm down...
Anyway, what's got me all in a tizzy is this:
DUDES! It's bacon flavored vodka! Some crazy bastard has invented BACON FLAVORED FREAKIN VODKA! Can you believe this shit? And that drink? That drink right there to the left of that BACON FLAVORED FREAKIN VODKA?
That ABOMINATION is called a "Bakon Chocolate Martini!" (click here if you don't believe my appalled ass)
And that sicko bastard Bacon-Vodka-Inventor-Man (and I KNOW the inventor has to be a man because a man will eat bacon flavored shit on a shingle if you let him)? Well, he just needs to be excommunicated or something. And his family? Well, they should just disown his crazy ass. Honestly. Would you want to be related to a wackjob who thinks like that? I'd be worried about what he was going to invent for an encore. Seriously. What's next? Chocolate flavored onion dip?
I mean...I am a woman.
And I experience those hormonal moments every month when I feel like I MUST EAT CHOCOLATE immediately, lest I stab someone in the neck with a butter knife. And then, after getting my chocolate fix, I MUST COUNTER THE EFFECTS OF SAID CHOCOLATE WITH SALT by eating some potato chips. I admit that.
But I could NEVER...I REPEAT, NEVER be bat shit crazy enough to address my cravings with a bacon flavored chocolate martini. *BLECCH* That is just the epitome of nastiness.