Monday, November 2, 2009

DANGER: WIDE LOAD

When I'm getting ready to go out for dinner, an occasion, work, or whatever....my routine goes like this:

1. Bathe
2. Floss
3. Brush Teeth
4. Apply Full Make-up
5. Dry & Style Hair
6. Get Dressed
7. Apply Perfume

My routine usually serves me well. However, there are always exceptions....like on Saturday.

On Saturday, I had to get a little more "dressed up" than usual. And because I was wearing a dress, this situation included pouring myself into the Spanx.

Yeah.

And y'all know how much I just LOVE wearing the body sausage, right?

So anyway, there I am, hair perfectly coiffed, fully made-up with my red Mac lipstick perfectly applied...and I?

AM WRESTLING SAID BODY SAUSAGE OVER MY THIGHS (Lord.Have.Mercy! I can't breathe!) and s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g to pull it up over my arse, when SUDDENLY, the frickin sausage casing snaps out of my right hand as I am yanking it up over my torso and BAM! I punched myself in the face!

And the worst thing? I didn't just punch myself in the face! I punched myself in the mouth...And? I smeared all of my lipstick UP MY FACE, UNDER MY NOSE, AND ALL OVER MY RIGHT CHEEK.

I looked like a cheap floozy who'd been making out with some horny dude in the back seat of a Camaro. Seriously.

Don't ask me why I felt the need to share this episode with you. I could have just swept it under the rug. Maybe I'm just hoping that some of y'all will tell me that this kind of shit happens to you, too.

No? Well alrighty....Just me then.

6 comments:

Heather said...

OMG I am laughing so hard right now!! You ALWAYS wait until you are completely dressed before applying the lipstick!!

Sally said...

Now you tell me....

Rapunzel said...

Oh, yeah, happens to me, too, but add broken acrylic nail to the fracas. Geez...by the time I wrestle the Spanx on I'm feeling even worse about my fat ass and protruding tummy, I need a few drinks to get over the experience.

AZ Colleen said...

I suffered two herniated discs in my lower back because a dog fell on me, I've been known to run into things (giant things, like walls) because I just didn't see them, and just a few weeks ago caught my heel in my pant cuff and face-planted right in front of a coworker... If I actually wore lipstick, I suspect that a number of my adventures would have caused it to smear across my face. So no, you're not alone. :)

H.K. said...

Yes, unfortunately it has happened to me multiple times struggling with my spanx- my hubby gets a kick out it every time, he says it makes him laugh to see me struggle in it. I'm glad that I entertain him.

Anonymous said...

Literally laughed out loud!!! I could totally see that happening to me too!