Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Is That The Boogie Man?

You know what's awesome?

When you're in a deep sleep, and it's 2:38 in the morning, and you wake up to pitch blackness because you hear weird noises and you think somebody is busting down your front door to rob your shit and hack you to pieces!

And you reach over to the right side of the bed to wake up your husband and he's not there so you panic because you think Son-of-a-bitch, the dude that broke into the house to rob my shit has already carved up my hubby like a Thanksgiving Day turkey!

And then, you squint and see that the alarm light is lit on the keypad, which means that the shady drug lord who's trying to break down the front door to steal your shit and kill you dead hasn't actually got into the house, yet.

Then suddenly, you become more alert because you are finally adjusting to the fact that you are not dreaming. You switch on the nightstand light and then you see HIM.

Who is him, you ask?

Um...That would be my frickin husband...last night...sleepwalking and walking into the same corner of the room over and over again trying to find his way to the toilet in the house that we've owned for THIRTEEN FLIPPING YEARS!

Dudes! He was like a mime! Bumping and slamming and feeling his way around the same corner of the frickin room over and over again! What the hell?

Exhibit 1: Slam to the left, slam to the middle, slam to the right...



Exhibit 2: The route he should have taken...


So, finally...I figured out what the hell was happening. I got my unhappy ass out of bed, grabbed him by the arm, led him around the corner, shoved him into the bathroom (WHAT? I turned the light on first!), and shut the door.

NOTE TO JESUS: Thank you for not letting Hubby pee on the floor. I owe you one.

He did his business. Came back to bed. And went right back to "normal" sleep, completely oblivious of the fact that he scared the ever lovin crap out of me.

So, there I am. Tossing and turning. Listening to him snore.

And? I could not fall back to sleep....

Like I said in the beginning of this post...You know what's awesome?

Walking around at work with big fat bags under your eyes, wanting to punch everybody who gets in your way in their face because you are sleep deprived from the night before. While? Your husband, who kept you up last night AND who you work with, walks around all chipper and shit, whistling and singing and smiling because he slept so well.

He is soooo lucky that I don't have immediate access to a taser.

Because if I did? Today, the next time I heard him sing, whistle, or display any sign of positivity, I would fry his ass.

Seriously.

2 comments:

Abbey Shaw said...

You make my gloomy days better. always.
I laughed out loud in front of a customer.
that would've scared me to death.

Hanlie said...

Oh that is funny! My friend's boyfriend sometimes gets up at night and pees in the closet...