Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Won't You Please? Won't You Please? Please Won't You Be My Neighbor?

I have a confession to make.

My neighbors? They pretty much suck.

I have lived in the same neighborhood, in the last house on the street, for thirteen years. Everyday, I drive past several of them. Everyday, they pretend they don't see me.

And it's not just me.

They do it to each other...antisocial motherf*ckers.

You know what I think? I think they take themselves way too seriously.

They're all like...I'm a lawyer! I'm a doctor! I'm a stock broker! I'm a business owner! I'm an executive! And I am wayyyy too important to wave to the likes of you because I shit Haagen Dazs!

Um...Not my flavor, a**hole.

Once, during a snowstorm, my dumb ass neighbor, who we lovingly refer to as Bernie Madoff II, and who usually likes to pretend that we don't exist, came over and asked us if he could RENT our snow blower.

I wanted to say, "Hey Bernie...you stupid mofo, how come you have two BMW's, but don't own a snow blower?" But I didn't. I exercised my mouth filter. Because I have one....Stop snickering.

Instead, I replied, "NO. You can't rent our snow blower. But you can use it for free. You're our neighbor. That's what neighbors do."

Today, he still pretends that we don't exist...so I'm thinking that the next time we get slammed with snow, he'd better have his blower ready. Either that, or he'll be plowing that long driveway with his teeth. Jerkhole.

Wanna see what he looks like? Look up the word douchebag in the dictionary. I'm sure you'll find his picture there.

Bite me, Bernie. OK. Moving on...

Anyway, everyday on my way home from work, I drive by a certain house which makes me smile and say to myself, "Self! Now these people would make great neighbors! THEY totally have a sense of humor!"

Check out their picture window:

Dudes! It's a full size leg lamp like the one featured in A Christmas Story!

And? They keep it in their window year round!

Fun neighbors, right?

Now that's what I'm talking about, people.

Blog Addendum: To my neighbor D: When I say that my neighbors suck, I am not referring to you, as you know that there are exceptions to every rule. Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would refrain from unloading any M80's in our backyard as retaliation. For your cooperation, we will reward you with chocolate cake and tequila.


Heather said...


She woke up FAT said...

From the sound of it, I would love to be your neighbor.

Get this, I have a shop that my neighbor right next door to me has been into a few times. I Kept waiting for her to recognize me, she never did. When I mentioned to her I was her neighbor , she couldn't figure out which house.
Dude, it's the one right next door...

Sally said...

She Woke,
That happened to me to....in a restaurant that my neighbor owns. I've been there many times because I like the fresh seafood. I've introduced myself at least three times. He still has no effin clue who I am.

I'm convinced that he, and his entire family, share three brain cells between the lot of em'. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

At least you have your privacy. I live out in das boonies and my neighbours don't miss anything. Seriously, if we have visitors they know the make and model of their car. If I go for a walk I have to factor in the friendly chat time and schedule my time appropriately. That having been said, they have my back and I theirs-- as it were.

The cottage next door is for sale, make an offer.


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Hey waitaminute... I looked up d-bag in the dictionary and it had MY picture there. What's up with that?

Sally said...


Damn it. Don't tempt me. I would love to be your neighbor! But, you know that together we would wreak havoc on your neighborhood. And then, your overly friendly neighbors? Yeah. They'd be history.

XOXO, Sally ;)

Sally said...

You've got it all wrong. Your picture IS in the dictionary. Just look up the word "STUD."


MB said...

I looked up the word douchebag in the dictionary and it only had a picture of the lawyers I worked for. I must have a newer addition or something ;)

I don't know any of my neighbors in the city but I know and love all of my neighbors up in the country (VT). I think the closer the houses are the less you want to know about people.

I love the leg lamp.

cmoursler said...

I live in a neighborhood full of military, police and teachers. Seriously...It is the QUIETEST neighborhood ever. It is also the most maintained, and we have very friendly neighbors. This last fourth of july, when our city cancelled our fireworks shows because of lack of funds..all the neighbors gathered outside and blew theirs off in the street...we even had a neighborhood pumpkin carving. We live in Colorado springs...of course some snotty wench in the newspaper recently called our part of town the place where the "poor' hang out. And considering what police, teachers and soldiers are payed she is probably right lol. But they make excellent neighbors.

Rapunzel said...

Most of my neighbors are just the same, dammit, and I admit that I've become just like them. "fine, if you don't like me, I don't like you either! So there!"

I would love to be your neighbor and as you know from my blog, that leg lamp is one of my favorite things on the planet! If you move nextdoor to me I'll buy you one, ok? And I'll keep you regularly supplied with Chardonnay.

Are you packing yet?

Watching and Weighting said...

SALLY!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!I absolutely, positively ADORE that movie!!! it has defined ALL my childhood Christmases and all my adult ones thus far!!!! I KNEW we were destined to be friends!!!!!

One year I bought a fake leg off the internet and 'made' a leg lamp for my parents' front window!! didnt light up tho, Im not a freakin electrician!!!

You'll shoot your eye out kid!
fa ra ra ra raaaaaa, ra ra ra ra
I like santa. i like the wizard of oz. I like the tinman.

Sons of bitchesssss.....Bumpesesssss....

It's a major award!

Fra-Geee-le.....wow it must be Italian!!

Randy, don't play with your food...eat it!!

dady's gonna kill Ralphie!!
oHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....FUDDDDDDDDDDDGE...only I didnt say fudge, I said it, The word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The eff..dash...dash.dash word!

I could go on but there I shall cease......