I have a confession to make.
My neighbors? They pretty much suck.
I have lived in the same neighborhood, in the last house on the street, for thirteen years. Everyday, I drive past several of them. Everyday, they pretend they don't see me.
And it's not just me.
They do it to each other...antisocial motherf*ckers.
You know what I think? I think they take themselves way too seriously.
They're all like...I'm a lawyer! I'm a doctor! I'm a stock broker! I'm a business owner! I'm an executive! And I am wayyyy too important to wave to the likes of you because I shit Haagen Dazs!
Um...Not my flavor, a**hole.
Once, during a snowstorm, my dumb ass neighbor, who we lovingly refer to as Bernie Madoff II, and who usually likes to pretend that we don't exist, came over and asked us if he could RENT our snow blower.
I wanted to say, "Hey Bernie...you stupid mofo, how come you have two BMW's, but don't own a snow blower?" But I didn't. I exercised my mouth filter. Because I have one....Stop snickering.
Instead, I replied, "NO. You can't rent our snow blower. But you can use it for free. You're our neighbor. That's what neighbors do."
Today, he still pretends that we don't exist...so I'm thinking that the next time we get slammed with snow, he'd better have his blower ready. Either that, or he'll be plowing that long driveway with his teeth. Jerkhole.
Wanna see what he looks like? Look up the word douchebag in the dictionary. I'm sure you'll find his picture there.
Bite me, Bernie. OK. Moving on...
Anyway, everyday on my way home from work, I drive by a certain house which makes me smile and say to myself, "Self! Now these people would make great neighbors! THEY totally have a sense of humor!"
Check out their picture window:
Dudes! It's a full size leg lamp like the one featured in A Christmas Story!
And? They keep it in their window year round!
Fun neighbors, right?
Now that's what I'm talking about, people.
Blog Addendum: To my neighbor D: When I say that my neighbors suck, I am not referring to you, as you know that there are exceptions to every rule. Therefore, we would appreciate it if you would refrain from unloading any M80's in our backyard as retaliation. For your cooperation, we will reward you with chocolate cake and tequila.