Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Ho, Ho, Ho, You Ho.

This is the EXACT Christmas card that I sent to my friend, Lou. He is a pain in the ass and he deserved it. Oh, and because the text in the photo is so small, I have transcribed the entire front of the card below.

WARNING: The following text contains vulgarities which may not be suitable for tight asses (GET OVER IT...YOU'VE SAID WORSE). Before you e-mail me telling me that I should wash my mouth out with soap (FYI...there is NO amount of soap that could do the job), keep in mind that these are Little Johnny's words. Not mine. So, relax.

(Yeah! I signed it! Because I am not an anonymous card sending coward, Lou!)

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I am writing to you
today, the 26th of December. Well, I would like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you a letter and asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying this year. I had the best
grades in school, and no one in the neighborhood behaved better than me. I went on errands for my parents, I helped the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls you have for leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame whistle, and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick? As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shit across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house.

ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the north pole, you fat slob.

FUCK YOU, SANTA. Next year you'll find out
just how bad I can be, you fat cocksucker.

Sincerely, Johnny


My fourteen year old male alter ego laughs out loud every time he reads this.

1 comment:

Heather said...