Last night, I was reading in bed minding my own damn business, when I noticed this gargantuan furry bug flying around the room.
I hate bugs.
I HATE BUGS.
I hate em' so much that last year for Christmas, I asked for and got this:
The Bug Vacuum (For Those Hard To Reach Little Bastards): Sucks Em' Up And Fries Their Asses In One Fell Swoop
And I also got this:
The Bug Zapper: One Swing ( For Those Airborne Mutherfuggers) And They're Toast....ZAP! Electrocutes on contact!
So anyway, there I am...all toasty in bed...wearing my favorite jammies and reading Shakespeare... or was it Oprah magazine? I don't remember now. Suddenly, this hairy, wretched bug flies by my head and scares the ever loving crap out of me and I'm all, Damn it BUG! You are going down! Except that I was all warm and toasty and feeling like I didn't really want to get up and shit.
So, I did what every other self respecting woman who has a husband who just happens to be in the next room would do. I SCREAMED. And because Hubs is so predictable, he came running. "WHA? WHA? WHA?" He said. And I yelled, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME, SAVE ME!"
What I really said was, "Get the Bug Racket and FRY that SUCKA!"
So, he did.
He FRIED the mofo bug that was trying to kill his beloved. BZZZZZZZT!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
You see, my friends---After coming to my rescue and zapping said bug in midair like the bad ass hero that he is, the Hubby pulled a Clint Eastwood.
Remember in the movies, when Clint would "take out" some bad guy and then prove his coolness by pointing his gun up and BLOWING on the tip like, Yeah that's right...I'm a bad ass mutherfugger...Don't mess with me?!
Yeah, well Hubs...who I forgot to mention was barlicky bare assed when I yelled for him because he had just gotten out of the shower...ZAPPED that bug AND THEN, to prove that he was capital B-A-D? He turned around and smacked himself on the tuckus WITH THE BUG RACKET, as if to say I'm the man!
He's the man alright.
What he didn't realize was that the BAZILLION VOLT juice-age was still running through the bug racket.
So, yes, my friends...
He electrocuted his right ass cheek.
Sniff, sniff. Do I smell something burning?
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Behold the brilliance that is my husband. Hehehe.
DISCLAIMER: For all of you bug lovers, I am soooo deeply sorry for any pain that my actions may have caused you. Please refrain from sending me hate mail, as even though I am a FIRM believer in the Survival of the Fittest, I swear I was only acting in self defense against a bug who could have, if given ample opportunity, taken my eye out. Also, please note that said bug was given a respectable funeral and is now lying in state in our septic tank. God rest his soul.