Sunday, May 31, 2009

Wanted: Sponsor. Must Possess Ability To Wrestle Carbs Out Of My Hand

You know how people like to personalize the wallpaper on their computer screens?

Usually as their backgrounds they utilize something "normal" like a picture of their kids, their pets, their significant others, or a nice scene from a previous vacation destination.

Not me.

I use food porn. Observe:




Yep. Every time I turn on the computer, it's a fresh pizza (brick oven, of course) with arugula, diced tomatoes, olive oil, basil, and buffalo mozzarella, that I see.

I think I may need a support group. Anyone know where the local chapter of the Food Whores of America meets for their weekly meeting? Seriously. I think I'm qualified to be their president.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

E=MC Dork

For the past three weeks, I have been dealing with a MEGA-ASS at work.

He called our company to find out if we would work for his company as a vendor. In these economic times, we will not turn work away, even if that means having to deal with the most condescending bastard known to mankind.

I should have known dealing with him would be torture when he came in for our first meeting and demanded that we, as a company, be put through a ridiculously long interview. I wanted to day, "Dude. We didn't call you. You called us. And we already have jobs. How about you stick that questionnaire up your pasty white patooty?"

But, being the consummate professionals (stop laughing, please), we humored him.

We fed him with all of the standard information that he wanted about our policies and quality control standards.

AND THEN....He totally pissed me right the frick off when he asked, "Does your company employ any illegal aliens?"

First of all, we are not fans of prison cuisine, nor do we enjoy peeing in groups. So, that's a NO. We don't and we NEVER would. Duh.

And second, if we did, did he really think we would tell him?

So, in my most professional demeanor, I responded, "Yeah. Lupe and Paco thought you were INS. They're hiding out in the back room."

Let's just say that we can add him to the list of people who don't think I'm at all funny.

Whatever, Dorkmeister.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Chocolate...Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Crazy day today. Not much time for blogging. But, I have to share a KILLER low-fat dessert recipe with my peeps.

If you are looking to tame that chocolate craving, while shrinking the size of your ass, this is for you.

To die for, people!

And, it's only 3 Weight Watchers Points per serving. Here it is:

Take one packet of Sugar Free Jello Chocolate Singles:



And in a large bowl, mix it with 1/2 cup of 1% milk:



Then, in another bowl, crumble a chocolate VitaTop:



You will also need 1/2 cup of Cool Whip Lite:



Now, pick out two nice martini or wine glasses (presentation is important, my friends). In them, equally divide the ingredients into these layers:

Layer 1: VitaTop Crumbs
Layer 2: Chocolate Pudding
Layer 3: Cool Whip
Layer 4: VitaTop Crumbs

Let everything rest for about 5 minutes (if you can control yourself) so that the crumbs get really moist from the Cool Whip and pudding. And, this is what you get:

Drum roll....Please.....



I swear, when you taste this, you will want to be my BFF.

And that's fine. I'll take all the friends I can get.

Um....Unless you're a crazy be-otch...

Then, I'll pass.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Luck Be A Lady With Teeth

Sunday night, Paul (the hubby) and I met some family members in Connecticut at a casino (not going to promote it). Paul hadn't been there since 2004. I hadn't been there since seeing a Rick Springfield concert about three years ago.

Yes, I know I am an 80's dork for loving Rick Springfield. However, the American public put George Bush in the White House for two terms. So, by comparison, I clearly have nothing to be ashamed of. But, I digress.

The point I'm trying to make here is, we are not gamblers.

I, for one, was enticed to the casino by the promise of dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen. Apparently, I am not just a food whore. But, I'm a cheap food whore.

Any who, while I was there wandering aimlessly through the crowds of INTERESTING people, I decided to throw caution to the wind and put twenty bucks into a slot machine. Yeah, that's right, people. I am a wild woman...and I put a whole twenty bucks into a 2 cent (that's 2 pennies) slot machine.

As I was analyzing the game's directions , I realized that I may have chosen a BAD location in which to park my ass. I was clearly in the middle (literally) of a very hostile environment.

Turns out, Beulah (the lesbian on my right) was quite pissed off because she and her woman, Mack Truck Mary, had lost all of their money. So, they were yelling and swearing and flipping off the casino cameras. Lovely.

Their presence made me very uneasy because (A) I knew if I looked at them the "wrong" way (it happens), they might snap me in half like a twig and (B) I had teeth...and clean clothes. They could clearly mistake me for a huge overachiever and follow me into the bathroom where they would steal my money and beat me over the head with my very own Prada bag.

As if Beulah and Mack Truck Mary weren't scary enough, the really smelly guy sitting to my left was making me jumpy because he kept punching his slot machine and yelling, "YOU DOUCHEBAG!"

I really wanted to intervene, here. I wanted to say, "Dude! Knock that shit off! You are dumping your cash into a computerized machine that is programmed to take your money! And now you can't pay your rent or buy soap, which you SOOOOO desperately need! Who's the real DOUCHEBAG here?"

But, I remained silent....mostly because I really like my teeth right where they are. Thank.You.Very.Much.

Gambling. Not my thing.

Call me crazy. But, I'd rather spend my money on really good shoes...and dentist appointments....and soap....

Friday, May 22, 2009

A Day Late And A Dollar In Your Shorts

Happy Friday y'all!

Just wanted to wish you peeps a lovely Memorial Day weekend!! Eat lots of burgers! Drink lots of whatever the hell it is that you like to drink (boozers)! And bask in the sun!

Oh, and I also wanted to leave you with this thought of the day.....courtesy of my special friend, Barbara.

It was waiting for me in my e-mail inbox when I got home from work:




THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along .....

Have you ever wondered if one of the dollar bills in your wallet was ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day :)




Ick.

Thank you, Barbara....for making me question the possibility of catching the DRIPPIES every time I retrieve my change from a clerk at the local Wal-Mart.

Hand sanitizer, anyone?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Grounds For A Smackdown?

I have been making a great attempt at eating healthier because (A) I want to feel good, (B) I want to be heart healthy, and (C) I want to look like Olive Oyl......except with boobs.

So, on my healthy lifestyle quest:

I cooked and ate home all week.

I went bike riding and /or walking.

I drank boatloads of water and almost peed myself several times.

I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday for my weekly weigh-in.

I lost 3.8 pounds.

I was happy.

Then, I got home.

And hubby told me that he weighed himself.

And he lost 3.5 pounds.

Without drinking boatloads of water.

While eating more than me.

While having red wine with dinner.

While eating sweet snacks RIGHT before bed.

While eating peanut butter OUT OF THE JAR with a spoon.

AND THEN....

TO TOP IT ALL OFF.....

HE SAID:

"I'm disappointed. I ONLY lost three and a half pounds this week."


The question remains:

DO YOU WANT TO SLAP HIM, OR SHOULD I?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Say What You Mean To Say

I am all for individuality and self-expression.

BUT, I would like to object to SOME of those people who put their initials on their vanity license plates and drive around like they are all that AND a bag of chips.

You want examples?

Here you go:

*I know a gentleman whose name is Anthony. His middle name starts with an "S" and his last name starts with an "S." He happens to be pretty smart. So, he DOES NOT drive around with a license plate that says "ASS."

You see what I'm getting at here, right?

Just in case you don't, here is another one:

*I have a friend named Helen. Her middle name starts with an "O" and her last name starts with an "R." Put that on a license plate, and you have every mischievous kid giggling at the site of the woman that drives the "whore" mobile.

That's just human nature, people. Don't blame me.

So now here's my best REAL LIFE example....The one that inspired this blog entry.

If you are this guy, WHAT in the love of Pete were you thinking when you went to the DMV to apply for this? I mean, REALLY?



Sir, let me just say that I am sure you are very proud of who you are. However, your initials, subliminally flashing past the eyes of innocent passers-by, conjure up the images of yucky things that we learned about in health class! You know...like Chlamydia, Genital Warts, and Herpes Simplex 10. Dude. Puh-leeze.....

You really should make the world a better place and turn that plate in.

Um..Well....

Unless you happen to be a health teacher and you're trying to remind all of those hormonal teens to keep it in their shorts.

If that is the case, I take it back and say BRAVO to you! Job well done! Way to scare em' straight!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

On The Road...AGAIN

Ho, hum.

On Tuesday, I went back to Weight Watchers....AGAIN.

While I was sitting there in the meeting room, a woman turned to me and asked, "Are you a lifetime member?" My response, "Um. Not legally. I've never earned that status. But, emotionally and mentally? That would be a YES."

I felt sad when I thought about it. I mean. Please. I have been losing and gaining the same freakin poundage for at least ten years. What is my damn problem? And why can't I get it together?

I think Oprah said it best on one of her recent shows about weight. She said, "I can't believe I'm STILL talking about this after all this time."

I'm with you, Ope.

Anyhow, I went to back to WW.

I committed...AGAIN. And away I go...for the gazillionth time.

Maybe the gazillionth time will be the charm. Who knows?

Oh, and one more thing. My fellow blogger, H.K., included the Serenity Prayer in her recent blog post about battling weight (I love that prayer). I've decided to make my own appeal:

Please God. At some point in my life, grant me the ability to eat like a beast and still be one of those naturally skinny be-otches that I want to pulverize with jelly donuts. Amen.

Man. I need therapy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Good Swift Kick In The Pants

Today, I had the shittiest day at work. By the time I got home, I swear, I was vulgar.

After making dinner, eating dinner, and cleaning up after dinner, I decided to sit at the computer to read some blogs and check my inbox.

That's when I read this e-mail from hubby's cousin.

FYI.....She's young......like me ;)



Hello All;

Yesterday I received the results of my bone marrow biopsy. I’m thrilled to tell you that the ratio is 90/10 (donor/me)! There are no leukemia cells in my DNA or Bones! I’m in remission!!! I am so happy that I was singing and dancing in Dana Farber!!! (My doctors already know I have a few screws loose! Never been one to hide my emotions….) Heck, we have one shot at Life and I’m living mine to the fullest - JOYFUL!)

I’m still under ‘house arrest’, crowd control (you know I love to be in a crowd….) and continue taking many medications to prevent infections and host vs. graft disease. The doctors will continue with my weekly physicals and lab work to monitor my progress. On May 27th, they’ll remove the catheter from my chest. HOORAY! Besides napping (Who doesn’t need a nap throughout the day?) I’m feeling stronger. Less body shakes, and growing hair! Go figure!

Please know how thankful I am for your support, prayers and well wishes. OMG, the power of prayer!

Have a great day!





Moral of the Story: Sometimes, a subtle kick in the ass is just what you need to bring you back to reality. And to stop you from behaving like a whiny little butt-hole (yep....kinda like me).

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Rain, Rain On My Face

Generally, I don't like to write about politics or religion. But today, I've decided to deviate from the norm.

Yesterday, I watched the Father Alberto Cutie interview on the Early Show. I'm sure you all know by now that he is the Catholic priest who was photographed on a Miami beach with a woman that he has been having a romantic relationship with.

I wasn't sure what my reactions to the interview would be. But basically, these are my conclusions:

I think that Father Cutie is very eloquent, sincere, and likable.

It is apparent that he loves serving his parish community, loves his faith, and loves God.

It is also absolutely apparent that he is in love with a woman.

He is currently struggling with the decision to stay in the priesthood or leave what he thought was his calling to marry and have a family.


I am sad for him.
And I think it sucks that he has to choose
.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Honey I Love You, But Give Me Park Avenue

I like to think of myself as a "city girl." I have always dreamed of living in a big city like Manhattan (will never happen), Boston (will never happen), or the smallest city near me, Providence (may happen someday).

Instead, I live in the country.

And when I say country, I mean C-O-U-N-T-R-Y.

How do I classify it being the country??

Well, besides all of the woods and animals and crazy critters that I can't identify, here you have it:

* I can not get pizza delivered to my house. This must be why I listen so intently to those frozen pizza commercials that swear that their brands taste just like delivery. Which, by the way, is a total crock of shit.

* If you are at my house and you suddenly develop a craving for Chinese food at 7:00pm on a Sunday night, well good for you! Looks like you're sticking to your diet after all because...Um...well, you're not getting any and while that may suck big ones, that's just too bad so sad cuz' that's just the way it is. Might as well kick back, relax, and enjoy yerself a bowl of Cheerios. Mmmmmm....Yummy.....

* Last year, PRAISE JESUS, we finally got a high speed internet connection. Can I get a "Whoo hoo" for technology, anyone??

And finally,

* My town is so hick that our newspaper, which contains the news of FOUR towns, is only published one day a week.

Dudes! Four towns only have enough news to share one newspaper ONE DAY A WEEK!! Do you get the ramifications of this fact?? That means that if some dude you know bit the BIG ONE (kicked the bucket) on Friday, you will not find out until the following Thursday! And by then, the grass on his grave has already grown in, for Pete's sake!

That is just crazy-hick, people! Where the hell am I, Green Friggin Acres??

And the other thing about our paper: Not only do we not have enough news to warrant a daily paper. But, now our one day a week paper sells personal ads. Yep, you can now turn to the classifieds, shop for a woman, and shop for the cow manure that will make the produce in your garden smell like crap, but grow like hell.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do have to say that I truly enjoy reading the personal ads.

Actually, I think they are the best part of the paper.

You should read them, too...especially when you want a good laugh or when you are feeling like a loser (we all have those days).

So, for your viewing pleasure, I bring you the best personal ad from this weeks Country Bumpkin Times (name changed to protect the lame):



Humor me while I respond to this jackass, will you?

OK. Um, Jackass?

You are 45! You've got no business messing with a 22 year old, you pervy bugger!

And, not only are you a perv, but you're a picky-ass perv.

Your woman has to be young, a non-smoker, have no dependants, and be under your weight limit??

Dude! Unless you look like George Friggin Clooney, you need to lower your damn standards!

And by the way, how do we know that YOU don't look or act like a horse's ass? Where's our guarantee that you're so special, huh??

And finally....

And this is a BIG finally here!

You want a woman who is young, skinny, lives and breathes only for you, who LIKES to COOK, CLEAN, AND SEW?? Let me tell you something pal. This is 2009.

And just because women do the majority of cooking and cleaning in their homes, doesn't mean that they just LOVE doing it.

No, actually, they do it because THEY (and their families) NEED TO EAT.....AND DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN FILTH.

That's why the term most often used when referring to such chores is called "HOUSEWORK."

Not because cleaning (and cooking) is fun, but because it is WORK.

And it is a necessity.

We don't love it! But, we have to do it anyway!

And so, Mr. Douche-ly. I have a suggestion.

If you need a housekeeper and/or cook, fork out some cash and HIRE ONE. Otherwise, call your Mommy to take care of you. Because, except for the age thing, she sounds exactly like the woman you're looking for.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Lessons

What I learned this weekend:

1. Unless you want your patio table to look like this, never leave your patio umbrella open on a windy day:



2. Sometimes friends agree to disagree. And that is perfectly OK.

3. Other times, one party is totally wrong (and completely ignorant and hurtful) and deserves to be bitch slapped.

4. The person who invented coffee flavored tequila is a genius.

5. You should be appreciative of your Mother on MORE than ONE day a year. She was in labor with you FOREVER, had to sit on a rubber donut for two weeks after you were born, and wiped your butt every time you pitched a loaf. That is unconditional love, people.

And finally,

6. If you dry heave when you see a person holding a dog leash in one hand (dog attached, of course) and a plastic bag containing hot steaming dog poo in the other, you should return the canine adoption forms and buy yourself a stuffed dog instead.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Who You Callin' Simple??

The Simple Woman's Daybook

I am thinking... that I ate too much freakin garlic at a new Portuguese restaurant tonight and now my belly hurts. And, I'm never going back there because my waiter (and part owner) was a bitchy queen. Suh-nap!

I am thankful for...having TWO bathrooms in my house. After all of that garlic, I'm sure my husband will be happy about that, too....I know....I know. TMI.

From my kitchen... I haven't cooked in DAYS. Been eating out like a beast lately. But, hey! It means the kitchen is sparkling clean!

I am wearing...my cotton Nordstrom nightshirt and knitted slippers that my Mom made. Everybody who owns a pair loves em'. Were you expecting something more exciting than that, Pervy?

I am going...to win the lottery. Jesus, do you hear me?

I am reading...blogs, magazines, newpapers, and a book called, Such A Pretty Fat, by Jen Lancaster. She is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.

I am creating...this blog entry. And after all of that garlic, enough gas to heat my house for a whole winter.

I am hearing... rain hitting the roof. My God, it feels like it's been raining FOREVER.

Around the house... the grass dude mowed the lawn in the rain today. That must have sucked.

A few plans for the rest of the week... That would be dinner with friends on Saturday night to celebrate hubby's belated birthday. HELLO? Will that birthday never end?? And, let's not forget Mother's Day. That means lunch with my in-laws and visiting with my Mama after that. Whoo hoo! Can you say, TORTURE?

One of my favorite things...the Sangria I'll be drinking to wind down (actually to calm down) after the Mother's Day festivities.

Picture thoughts I am sharing with you... Sangria....The Other Quicker Picker Upper:



Can I get an AMEN?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Thank You. "Butt," You REALLY Shouldn't Have!

Awhile back, I wrote a blog entry about good gift giving versus bad gift giving.

I was kind of frustrated with the pile of lame gifts that people had given me, some of which are still invading my space.

I thought that I had pretty much seen what would be the worst of them until last Friday, when my friends Lou and Linda gave my husband this belated birthday gift:

Rear View (no pun intended):



And for your viewing pleasure, the partial frontal:



And before you ask, yes. He is anatomically correct.

And, yes. He is touching his winky.

And, yes. I am censoring him because.....Well, because...he looks like a little perv.

Hmmm....kind of gives new meaning to the term "stimulus package." Doesn't it??

Monday, May 4, 2009

I Think It's The Big One, Elizabeth!

Hello y'all. So sorry that I have been MIA for a week. But, things have been C-R-A-Z-Y busy.

I thought I'd get back into the blogging game by sharing something that annoyed me last week (I was annoyed...that's something new).

You probably all know that I am a cardiac patient. Sometimes, my heart does back flips and cartwheels in my chest and I have to be medicated to get it back under control. Well, my doctor recommended that I attend a cardiac health seminar last week. It took place last Wednesday night at a local restaurant/banquet facility. Hubby and I went together and thought it was actually pretty cool and very informative.

While there, we had our blood pressure, cholesterol, and BMI's checked. We spoke to dietitians about healthy eating. We listened to four doctors speak about four different aspects of heart health. And, we got lots of pamphlets, recipes, and helpful handouts:





Then, they (meaning the whole LOT of those hypocritical heart hacks) PISSED ME OFF.

After their shpeels, they directed the seminar attendees to "help themselves" to the snack table where they served these:




Um, is it me, or are you seeing the grease stains on the cookie platter???

HELLO, doctors?? Are you dudes trying to drum up some business by clogging up my damn arteries? I MEAN, REALLY!!! WHERE THE FRIG ARE THE CARROT STICKS?? HOW ABOUT A FRUIT PLATTER????

Oh, hell! Why not just serve me up a plate of bacon with a side of pork rinds??

Jeez. I don't know about you. But, I am convinced.

The devil is not a woman in a red dress.

The devil is probably a cardiologist....with a frequent buyer card from Omaha Steaks.