Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"How'd You Get The Beans Above The Frank?"---There's Something About Mary (1998)

My husband is the most squeamish person I know.

This little trait comes in really handy when I'm cooking, because I never have to worry about him getting in my way. If I find that he's hindering me by hanging over my shoulder or hovering over a pan of hot boiling whatever-it-may-be, all I have to do is say, "OK. Now it's time to skin the chicken." And he goes running for the hills, lest he dry heave for the next hour.

It's pretty damn amusing.

Besides applying his squeamishness to raw foods, Hubby gets even SQEAMISHER (DIBS on this word) when he's in a setting where blood and guts are involved OR when he listens in to a conversation involving any medical procedure.

When these things occur? Dudes! He starts getting pain in his arms. I'm not kidding. I'll be all like Yeah, so my sister had her hysterectomy today and the doctors had to do it vaginally and she's fine and doing well. But, she has to go home with a catheter for a week and...blah, blah, blah... And the next thing I know? He's fidgeting uncomfortably, getting all pale, sweating like a beast, and flapping his arms like a chicken going, "OH GOD. STOP! EWWW! MY ARMS ARE HURTING! MY ARMS ARE HURTING." *insert dry heaves here* And then I'm all like, Dude! Calm down. What are you getting all squeamish about? You can't relate. You don't even have a vagina? Geez.

Seriously, people. It's crazy!

So a couple of weeks ago, Hubby and I went out for dinner with my nephew Brian and his fiance, Stephanie. And Stephanie is a registered nurse. You can see where this is going, right?

Favorite Aunt Sally, Nurse Stephanie, Nephew Brian, and Favorite Uncle Paul (Picture taken in Las Vegas---August 2009)

Yeah...NURSE TALK. UH-OH. Here go the flailing chicken arms. Bawk, bawk!

Anyway, we got to talking about how one day, Nurse Stephanie had a male patient who needed to have a catheter inserted into his pee pee...and apparently he was all gung ho about it because he'd never had one before and had no clue as to what this procedure entailed, right? So, she explained it to him. And, I'm not a medical professional or anything but I'm thinking it probably went a little like this: "Sir, You see this long ass tube that's attached to this long ass hose which is attached to this plastic piss bag? Yeah, well, we're going to lube it up to high heaven and stick it all the way into your peenie so you can pee without having to go to the john. Comprende??" You know...but with a little more compassion and shit.

Now, at this point in the conversation, my husband's eyes are WIDE. And my nephew's eyes are WIDE. And I'm thinking, Uh-OH. The arms are going to start a flappin' any second now.

And surer than Sarah Palin eats moose chili, Hubby says, "Oh my God! That poor guy!" And he pushed himself away from the table a little and starts flapping and stretching his arms saying, "I'm getting pain in my arms." Which makes NO SENSE to me at all because if he was going to have sympathy pains for the man in the story, he should have had pain in his peenie. But, whatever.

At this point, I am laughing hysterically, Stephanie is laughing with me, my nephew is horrified and says, "That is barbaric! Isn't there an easier way?" And my husband? Well, despite his clucky chicken arms and being on the verge of puking, he decides he wants more information. So, he held up his straw, turned it sideways so Steph could see its opening and asked, "Steph? Is the catheter tube bigger than this? Wider than this? Longer than this?"

And truthfully she answered, "Sometimes. But, sometimes it's even bigger."

That's when my nephew is all like OH MY GOD. And my husband is all MY ARMS, MY ARMS. PAIN IN MY ARMS! And I am laughing my freakin ass off. And Steph is laughing her ass off.

And just when we thought we couldn't laugh anymore? My nephew says, "THAT IS BARBARIC! With all the technology we have today, can't they just knock the guy out, insert some kind of computer chip into a his bladder and then press a remote control to make him pee? WHAT THE HELL?"


And I immediately thought, isn't it just like a man to think that you can solve a medical problem pertaining to MENS' WIENERS with a REMOTE CONTROL?

That's funny shit, people.

Funny, funny shit...

Hmmm...But maybe he's onto something...

1 comment:

Watching and Weighting said...

omg i am going to die of laughter!!!!sooo funny!!! And yes, how typical of a man 'make it remote control' DUH!!!