Monday, February 8, 2010

At Least We Have Teeth

So.

It's been a long time.

But, I've got a "Lou" story for ya.

If you're new to Mais Fica, perhaps you'll need a "Lou Refresher Course" before you continue reading this post. Click here if you do. I'll wait.

Okey dokey. So now you know.

My buddy, Lou? Um. Yeah. Boundaries DO NOT apply to him.

He wasn't always this way with us, you know.

As a matter of fact, when Hubby and I first met him? We had a strictly business relationship. But he kept asking, and asking, and asking us to go out for dinner with him. He'd say, "You've got to meet my wife, Linda---I think you'll love her!" So, we finally gave in.

And, HELP.ME.JESUS.

He has been torturing us (OK...just me) ever since.

Our latest outing together (UH-OH) occurred on Saturday night. Lou and Linda bought four tickets to see America's Got Talent at the MGM Grand Casino in Ledyard, CT. And they invited us! Whoo hoo! So, we met at their house, drove to the casino, and had dinner at CraftSteak (owned by Top Chef, Tom Colicchio) before the show.

BTW---The food was sooooo flipping fantastic and indulgent! And I ate like a beast! Remember THAT when I post my Weight Watcher's weigh in results tomorrow and am pissed off to high heaven!

Anywho, after dinner, we made it to the show with ten minutes to spare.

Now, I have to admit. I was never a huge fan of the show. I watched it occasionally. But, I could never get past wanting to kick David Hasselhoff (who joined talent judges--- Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan) in the shins every time he opened his fuggin mouth. Seriously.

But, you know...I'm always up for a fun night out so I was super excited to check it out!

OK. So, we walked into the theater and found our seats. And LOW AND BEHOLD! We were in the second row, right in front of the middle of the stage!! EFFIN AWESOME JOB, LOU!!

But wait! There's more! You are gonna shit! I swear!

So, then, THE HOST of the show comes out, right?

And because I teeter on the fine line between refinement and white trash, I ALMOST CRAP MYSELF when I realize that the host of the show is none other than JERRY FREAKIN SPRINGER! Check it out:


And I flip the hell out!

I start chanting, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY! And suddenly, I've got the urge to rip my shirt off, start throwing folding chairs and shit, and beat the living daylights out of the guy next to me!

But, ALAS. I couldn't act on my urges.

Because (A) I didn't want to end up on a Girls Gone Wild video, (B) the chairs were very posh theater chairs that were fastened to the floor, and (C) the GUY NEXT TO ME was my husband AND I wasn't keen on being arrested for domestic violence and being some chicks bitch while I sat in the pokey and waited for my bail to be posted on Monday morning.

Fugg off.

So, instead? I sat excitedly---but quietly, watching the talent show (except for my occasional JERRY, JERRY, JERRY--chants).

The whole show was fantastic! We saw:

The Texas Tenors:

Recycled Percussion:

Last Season's One Million Dollar Winner---Kevin Skinner:

And My All Time Favorite, Opera Singer (AND CANCER SURVIVOR), Barbara Padilla:


After the show, Hubs and I thanked Lou and Linda for including us in such a wonderful night.

But, ALAS...and woe is me...and all of that crap. I was sad. (OK. ALAS? Woe is me? When the frig did I suddenly turn into William Shakespeare?)

Lou could tell that I was sad and he was all, "What's the matter, Babycakes?" Not really. I'm making this part up...I don't know why. Maybe I need meds.

But as we were walking out of the theater, I did say, "Hey Lou. You know what would make my life complete? What would make me the happiest girl in the world? What would tickle my Portuguese fancy?"

He looked at me like I was CUH-RAZY. But, he asked anyway, "WHAT?" And I said, "I would just SHIT A FRICKIN BRICK if I could take a picture with Jerry Springer!"

And just then, the skies parted!

And I swear I could hear harps playing music from heaven!

OK. Maybe that was the wine talking. But, whatever...

Anyway, as we were walking out of the theater, Lou spotted Jerry Freakin Springer! He grabbed my arm and said, "I'll get you a picture with JERRY! But, I'm going to be in it with you!" AND THEN? He dragged me into the crowd and pushed and shoved his way through all of the Junk Yard Dogs that were swarming around MY JERRY, and Hubs got to snap this photo! CAN YOU SAY HOLLA????:

Look at Lou! He's telling MY JERRY, "I swear on the souls of every person who lives in a DOUBLE WIDE! THESE ARE MY REAL TEETH!"


And then, Linda got this picture! Yeah, that's right! Don't be hatin' on us cuz we got TWO pictures with THE KING OF WHITE TRASH TELEVISION! Boo-yah!:

Look at the smile on Lou's face! I swear! I think Jerry was grabbing his ass!


Dudes! I was so flipping excited! Seriously!

And I just have to say that I think...Nope...I KNOW that this experience was the SUMMIT/the PEAK/the ZENITH/the absolute CULMINATION of Lou's and my friendship!

Yep. Cuz it definitely beats the shit out of the time we took a picture with a cardboard Barack Obama!

Hey, Lou!

We're like the the Jefferson's!

Cuz we are DEFINITELY MOVIN' ON UP!

2 comments:

LaurenDizorder said...

Just think of all the activity points you could have earned if you did throw chairs around like the Jerry Springer Show. I got a offer in the mail to see this show and the only reason I wanted to go was to scream out Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!. I am so proud of you for doing that I love the pictures!

Hanlie said...

Oh that is awesome! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!