The following is this morning's breakfast conversation between me and the man I am married to---and want to choke sometimes:
Me (as I am drying my hair): Paul? Can you heat up my oatmeal for me while I finish my hair?
Man I Want To Choke: OK.
A few minutes pass. I finish my hair. I sit down at the kitchen island to eat my oatmeal....
Me: Thanks! It looks yummy. (I take a bite.) Mmmmmm...Nice and warm! Thank you for making it for me.
Man I Want To Choke: Yep. It's just perfect...with just a hint of BUTTER.
Me: WHAT? BUTTER? THERE'S BUTTER IN HERE? YOU DON'T PUT BUTTER IN OATMEAL! WHY THE HELL IS THERE BUTTER IN HERE?!
Man I Want To Choke: Calm down! There's not A LOT of butter in there. There's just a TOUCH of butter because when I was making it, it looked a little clumpy! So, I stirred it with the knife I used to butter my toast.
Me: Why didn't you just use a freakin spoon?
Man I Want To Choke: Because I didn't want to dirty one!
Me: WHY THE HELL NOT? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WASH IT! THE DISHWASHER IS?!
A minute passes...
Me: SO. HOW MUCH BUTTER WAS ON THE KNIFE?
Man I Want To Choke: Barely any! Geez!
Me: How much is barely any? Like the SIZE OF A PEA?!
Man I Want To Choke: NO! I DON'T KNOW! Um...I think like the size of a half a Tic Tac! You're really making a big deal out of nothing...
Me: (pouting) It's not NOTHING. You know I'm not a morning person. Don't be screwing with my breakfast OR my caloric consumption.
A couple of minutes passes...
Man I Want To Choke: I guess I know who you'll be blogging about today.
Me: You got it, dude! I've got to alert the blogosphere. They need to know that they shouldn't waste their money on food scales, when they can so accurately measure their food quantities in terms of Tic Tacs. Your revelation will amaze them.
Man I Want To Choke: (under his breath) *grumble, grumble, possible eff word, grumble, grumble*