Friday, February 5, 2010

Like A Fart In Church

The following is the response that I received from Dave D., the dude from my Weight Watcher's meeting, who I've convinced to buy THE AWESOMEST CROCKPOT IN THE WORLD for his wife as a Valentine's Day gift:

Sally, I am disappointed that you felt that I was not a believer. I could see the sincerity in your doe-like brown eyes as you espoused the features and benefits of the over-priced kitchen equipment that you so desperately needed and now have. In fact, I'm used to that because, as I told you, I have my own Portuguese-American Princess at home who has become accustomed to the finer things in life.

You had me at Williams-Sonoma!

After our impromptu meeting, I went home and discussed this very subject with "She Who Must Be Obeyed," (I call her "she who must" for short) and she though it would be a great idea to have a $300.00 crockpot in which she could make her Sam's Club meatballs and sauce (Her family thinks she makes it from scratch! Ha!).

I have done my on-line research and decided that I will buy one for her for Valentines Day. Now, I realize that this is something of a risk for me, so as a safety net, I am going to print out your blog and use that as her Valentines Day card (I'm anti-Hallmark, but that's another story).

She Who Must and I have been married for almost 25 years and I have given her some real clunkers for gifts over the years. I am putting my trust in you and your sage advice. If we don't make it to our 25Th in June, it will be your fault.

If this works out, I will arrange for you and She Who Must to meet to discuss your Louis Vuitton needs. She has told me that she doesn't have nearly enough. How about you?

Sally's Response:

Dave! Holy crapola! You have been married for ALMOST 25 YEARS? Does your wife realize that if she'd a killed you in the very beginning, she'd be out of prison by now? WOW!

Anywho, listen up! Do not be afraid! The crockpot WILL NOT go over like a fart in church. I swear.

My husband always says, "Valentine's Day is for amateurs." And you know what? He's right. Valentine's Day turns every idiot into a hero. Think about it. Most men who have been married for awhile don't give their wives gifts or cards for no reason. Hell, they rarely even take them out for dinner! But, all of a sudden, Valentine's Day comes along and every unoriginal bastard in the world comes home with a cheap box of chocolates (FYI---Godiva's are the exception!) and some overpriced roses and acts like he just discovered America! Big whoop!

You are going to be different! You are going to be original! And when you give her that crockpot? You are going to get L-U-C-K-Y! Whoot, whoot! But, listen...In addition to the CROCKPOT O' LOVE, I want you to throw in a nice crockpot cookbook, too (Williams Sonoma has a GREAT one!). know...write her a nice little love note on the inside cover...I don't know...something like:

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Your "fake out" meatballs from Sam's Club---the ones that I just told all of the internet that you don't really make from scratch---are hot!
And so are you.

You get the drill, right?


And? You're welcome.

As for the Louis Vuitton question? A Portuguese Princess can NEVER have enough Louis Vuitton bags. So, I'm thinking that you should buy her a REALLY nice one for your 25TH anniversary! AND you'd better throw in a matching wallet, too. AND you'd better present them both to her while you're on THAT LOVELY TROPICAL CRUISE that you SHOULD be taking her on to commemorate that OH SO FRICKIN SPECIAL DAY when she agreed to love and honor you until death do you part. For the love of God! She gave you TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OF HER LIFE! Ger cracking!

Hmmm...That brings up an interesting question.

Until death do us part? Does that mean that AFTER death, I am free to canoodle with John F. Kennedy, Jr.? Whoo hoo!!

My husband says NO.


I don't remember hearing love, honor, and rain on your spouse's parade as part of our wedding vows.

I must have selective hearing.


Rapunzel said...

Oh, Sally, as always you have me snorting my morning coffee onto the computer screen!

for the record, one of my favorite Mother's Day gifts was a Kitchen-Aid mixer. *swoon* Valentines Day, though, requires a bit more romance..the appliance would have to be red.

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious. Found your blog about a week ago, and now I can't stop checking to see what you or that mother of yours has to say next. Keep those stories coming. p.s. Loved the post you did about your husbands makeshift shower. Looks like something my hubs would do and now I feel more prepared if it does happen. You're the best.

Anonymous said...

I'm giving my wife some paper towels--she's always running out of them.

Marc Munroe Dion

cmoursler said...

well, that woman will either love it or hate it...
I asked for a food scale for mother's day...we all have our
I have never seen what is wrong with the occasional appliance.

Hanlie said...

I suspect Marc has not got this marriage thing down pat yet...

Sally, you bad girl! You've now given me a whole new fantasy life which will consume hours of my day - who will I canoodle with after death? King Solomon, perhaps. I hear he knew a thing or two about women.

Weighting Around said...

You are so funny! I love it. Thanks for the post.