Monday, March 8, 2010

The Blame Game

My sister, Natty, told me a funny story about my Mother (the very stylish, seventy-eight year old, Portuguese Sophia Petrillo---with NO mouth filter).

Before telling you the story, here's a little background about my Mama.

First, she is always perfectly coiffed---not a hair out of place---EVER.

Second, she NEVER leaves the house unless she looks perfect. That means she's wearing high heels, make-up, and a perfectly coordinated outfit complete with matching necklace, bracelet, earrings, shoes, and pocketbook.

Third, she has more shoes and more clothes than any member of any royal family. We don't call her the "Queen Bee" for nothing.

Fourth, she has had NINE children, is barely five feet tall, and weighs in the 120's.

And finally, she is waaaaaay too concerned with my appearance (and that of my entire family). That means that she WILL NOT hesitate to tell me AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT that I look like poo, my butt looks big, or my hair needs "a new style."

Anywho, on Thursday, my sister--Natty, took my mom shopping. When they were in the store, my mom bought a blouse that she thought was pretty. Unfortunately, said blouse looked like it was a little narrow. So, my Mom had to buy a size LARGE (OH THE HORROR!) instead of her usual size medium. She was ticked off. But, she bought it anyway.

Upon arriving back at the car with my sister, Momma, feeling like she had to defend her SIZE LARGE BLOUSE when she ALWAYS wears a MEDIUM, turned to my sister and said, "You know why I have to buy a LARGE blous-a (blouse)?"

I would have said, "Yes, because your coo (ass) is getting too big?"---like she does to me.

But, my sister, who is nicer than I am (she really is) just looked at her and waited for her response. So, my Mom said (insert Portuguese accent here), "Because dey make dat shirt in Tai-Wanda (Taiwan?)!" My sister looked at her and said, "Huh?" Because she didn't understand what the hell she was saying. So, my Mother repeated louder, "Dey make dat shirt in TAI-WANDA! All da clothes made in TAI-WANDA is too small! Because the people from dey-a are soooo skinny!"

Yeah. That's her friggin excuse. She blamed her tight fitting shirt on the poor slave labor in Tai-friggin-WANDA...wherever the hell that is.

I asked my sister, "What did you say to that?" My sister responded, "I couldn't say anything. I was laughing too hard."

That got me thinking about how resourceful my seventy-eight year old mother really is. Seriously.

Think about it.

When I need to buy a bigger size, it's my own damn fault. I've probably been overindulging in shit I shouldn't be eating and I've been lax about my exercise regimen.

When SHE has to buy a bigger size, it's not her fault! She gets to blame it on the too skinny slave labor of an imaginary country called Tai-Wanda.

Being accountable is overrated.

I need to be more like my Mother.


I'm still here... said...

I love your mom! I've never heard a better reason in my life.

Kyle Gershman said...

Yeah...well the Culligan filtered water I have has extra calories too. Bastards!

It's notta ma fault!

Debs said...

I TOTALLY agree with Alda! I can try on a size 6, 8 and 10 and get different results depending on the maker.

Fragrant Liar said...

I kinda like the way your mama thinks. And actually, TaiWanda is a place I'd like to visit one day. I'll probably come back with a whole bunch of LARGES, but they'll be really cheap ones!

cmoursler said...

They eat dogs in tai wanda too...
let your mother know. That's why they are so skinny.