"There's no race, no religion, no class system, nothing....no sexual orientation, that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love."---Sandra Bullock, The 82ND Annual Academy Awards (2010)
Happy St. Patrick's Day to ya, my friends!
I'm so sorry for my absence. Lots of things going on around here and I've been super, crazy busy. But, don't worry because all of the crazy shit that's happened to me? I've been writing it down and you're not going to miss a beat!
You poor, poor things...
And let me warn you. I've got some s-t-o-r-i-e-s! I've even got one about nipples! But, you'll have to wait for that another day :(
For today, I must tell you about my run in with the King of Dumbasses.
Okay, so there is this guy that I deal with on a professional level at work. Now, let me just interrupt this story for a sec to tell you one thing. I am a talker. I KNOW! THE SHOCK! Right?
So, I typically know everyone's life story because I'm a blabber and when people find out that I'm a blabber, they respond to my blabbiness. Because let's face it, people LOVE to talk about themselves, right? So, I talk to lots of people that I come into contact with daily and I learn personal shit about them.
Take one of my UPS delivery dudes, for example. He is Russian and hasn't been in this great country for very long. I call him Ivan Bitchicockoff (Sound it out...you can do it!) because I have a sick sense of humor...but I DON'T CALL HIM THAT TO HIS FACE! I swear! It's more like me and the Hubby going back and forth like, Has Ivan B. been here, yet? Nope, not yet! That kind of thing...
Anyway, I love to ask Ivan B. questions about his country and about his culture because it's fascinating to me. In the process, I've learned all about his wife and kids and life in general. And, believe it or not, he says that my business is his favorite stop of the day because he thinks me and the Hubby are nice...just because we talk to him and acknowledge him and offer him some water when he comes in after a long, hard day of delivering packages. Can you imagine? I mean, we're just being ourselves!
Anywho, back to my King of Dumbasses story!
So, this dude that I deal with often (not Ivan), comes into my work and starts telling me about how he's dating some new chick. Then he tells me that before dating him, said chick was dating a man that was of a different race than hers (FYI...Both the Dumbass and his woman are white)?
Then, he suddenly stopped talking, looked at me and asked...ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS, PEOPLE!
He looked at me and asked, "So. What are YOU?" Confused, I asked, "Excuse me?" Again he asked, "WHAT ARE YOU?"
"What the hell do you mean, WHAT AM I?" I asked. He started shaking his head and twitching his neck back and forth and crap like HELLO? Dumb woman! My question is sooo obvious. Right?
So then I asked, "Do you mean what's my ethnicity?"
He said, "Duh. Yeah!"
Dudes, I was all like I'll give you DUH YEAH, you stupid f*ck (He's soooo lucky my letter opener wasn't withing reach...STAB, STAB, STAB)! So, I said to him---because I wanted to confuse his stupid ass (which doesn't take much)--- "I'm Portuguese."
So then he said---GET THIS, "Oh....(LONG PAUSE) I've never dated any Portuguese women before. I've never dated anyone outside of my race."
Dudes, I lost it. I yelled, "DUH! HELLO?!!!! My nationality is Portuguese! My race is WHITE...you know...CAUCASION...just like you!"
He was confused because, well, he is as soft as a friggin grape.
So, I tried to clarify, "You know Portugal, right? In Europe? Near Spain? And France? And Italy?"
He just shrugged.
And I was losing patience...when all of a sudden, he responded, "Yeah. Well...whatever...I never dated ONE of you."
So, I responded, "Yeah, well. I never dated anyone who was as dumb as a stump, either. So, I guess we're even."
He nodded in agreement, apparently too "thick in the head" to be insulted.
OMG. I wonder if his new woman knows that her boyfriend is so dumb, he'd have to stay up all night to study for a blood test. Seriously.