Friday, March 12, 2010

Fishing For Trouble

Hubby's ticked. I did a little "experiment." It didn't go well.

You see...My husband HATES seafood. And I'm talking ALL SEAFOOD. He despises all fish and shellfish including lobster, crab, scallops, shrimp, and fillet of anything that used to swim in the waters.

He hates the way it tastes and he especially hates the way it SMELLS. For this reason, I am not allowed to cook fish in our home, lest he have a friggin meltdown.

When we first got married, we used to live in my mother's apartment house. She lived upstairs. We lived downstairs. On the days when my mother made some sort of seafood for dinner, we could smell it in the building's hallway. Hubby would freak to high heaven. He'd be all, "Son-of-a-b*tch! Your mother made fish again! The hallway STINKS! Yuck! Blech! *wretch, dry heave, scream, yell, cry* And I'd be all, "Oh, calm the hell down! Control yourself! It's fish, NOT ANTHRAX!"

Now, before I tell you what I did, let me just reiterate that Hubs does not like seafood, but HE IS NOT ALLERGIC TO IT. So, it's not like I was trying to kill him or anything. Are you listening, Life Insurance People??

OK. Here's the drill. There's this Thai restaurant that we order takeout from. Hubs and I always order the same dish except his has NO SHRIMP and mine does. Well, one day, I decided that I wasn't going to pay for two takeout dishes that were exactly THE SAME (except for the shrimp thing) because we always have way too much food left over and we always end up throwing it away...and that is just being ridiculously wasteful.

So, the last time I ordered Thai takeout, I only ordered one dish...WITH SHRIMP IN IT.

When I got it home, I quickly picked all of the shrimp out of the container and put in on my plate. Then, I made a plate for Hubs from the same takeout container with just noodles/veggies/chicken. I honestly thought he would never know because, honestly? He's a little OVER DRAMATIC when it comes to his olfactory senses (That smells! This smells! WTF is that smell?!). But with all of the curry in our food, I thought he would NEVER be able to taste that there had been shrimp rubbing up against his noodles (Sounds pervy, no?).

Guess what?

I was fugging WRONG.

The little bastard BLEW A CORK with the very first bite he took.

He started to chew, opened his eyed WIDE, and yelled, "OH MY GOD! THIS TASTES LIKE FISH! IS THERE FISH IN HERE? *SPIT, SPIT, CHEWED UP FOOD IN A NAPKIN, SPIT, SPIT, DRINK, DRINK, DRY HEAVE, YELL, POUT!*

Dudes, I am not even kidding! I'm talking DRAMA KING to the max, people. You would've thought I was trying to force feed him arsenic and crushed glass!

So, now, he was looking at me all wild and shit, right? And because I didn't want him to drive back to the restaurant and beat the bodiddlies out of the cute little Thai takeout lady, I had to fess up.

So, I bowed my head (I had to pretend like I was sorry...NOT) and said, "Yes. There was shrimp in that food. I thought your crazy aversion to shrimp...you know...how you get all dramatic and shit...I thought it was all in your head! I thought I'd try an experiment to see. I did it in the name of science!"

He looked at me and said, "I can't believe it! I can not believe you! Are you happy now?" I responded nonchalantly, "Yep. Wow...I guess you really don't like seafood, huh?"

He stomped off...to the kitchen...where he made himself dinner....Cheerios and milk, in case you're interested.

Oh, well.

I guess all's well that ends well (WHAT? He didn't choke or anything!).....except for the fact that Hubs keeps looking at me like I'm trying to "off" him or something.

Paranoid little Un-American fish hater....

(I guess he won't be interested in this deal.)

8 comments:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

I hear Cheerio's is coming out with a new Sea Bass flavor...

Heather said...

Great. Now I want Thai food.

Kyle Gershman said...

There is no fuggin (I like how you put that) way that Thai leftovers would get thrown away. Scratch, that...there is no way I'd end up with Thai leftovers.

Unless of course, it is that new Jamaican version, "Cock Flavoured Pad Thai"...then yes...perhaps leftovers.

cmoursler said...

dude, I love shrimp. He's nuts.

Anonymous said...

I am allergic to seafood but even before that was confirmed the smell of any sort of fish would make me retch. It's not faking. If I am at a restaurant and someone has fish two tables over I end up in the bathroom throwing up.

In this case, I'm with the man, that was a nasty trick.

Barb

Bippy Mama said...

Yet, Mais Fica! "More for ME!"

ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ said...

I totally get it. I'm the same way with bell peppers.

Kaela said...

Haha. I came over from Sassy Curmudgeon. My boyfriend is the same way about fish. He says he once ate some sort of shellfish and had an allergic reaction, but he can't remember which one, so he just doesn't eat it at all. I secretly want to try this sort of experiment to prove him wrong. But I really don't have time to deal with an attempted murder or manslaughter charge.

Sorry it didn't work out for you!