Thursday, March 4, 2010

Five Pounds = A Package of Ground Chuck

My husband's all discombobulated. He woke me up this morning, lamenting about his recent five pound weight gain.

Five pounds. Big whoop.

Now, let me just say that if I had indulged in all of the goodies that he's been ingesting over the time period that he's been ingesting them in?

Dudes! I'd be as big as a freakin house. I'd a gained five pounds on each ass cheek, thigh, and belly roll by now. I'd be looking like the Michelin Man with big jugs. Seriously.

Anyway, while he was moaning, pissing, and groaning, about his barely expanding belly, I tried to appear compassionate about those FIVE measly pounds. But, the truth of the matter is? I don't really give a crap---because I know that if he puts his mind to it, he will lose that weight in one week. Then, he'll be back to the weight that he was when we got married---almost eighteen years ago. Your heart just bleeds for him, doesn't it?

Anywho, since I love him, I figured that I should try to be a tad bit more supportive of my Hubby's plight. You know...because to some people, five pounds is a lot of weight to have to lose ( And, since I consider myself a diet expert, I thought I would dedicate this blog to my Hubs, while using this post to give him the ultimate weight loss advice.

And here it is...

Hey, Buddy? If you want to shed the five piddly pounds that are making your pants tighter, STOP DOING THIS SHIT:

Glad I could help.


Michelle said...

Amen. My husband is the same way. He gets laid off 2 months/year...during this time he puts on about 10-15 pounds. Granted, if I sat home all day everyday eating everything in sight I'd put on 50. But alas, I got sidetracked...he goes back to work...and loses like 5+ pounds a WEEK doing NOTHING. WTH. I freaking scrimp and starve and eat lettuce till I wanna puke and lose 1 lb/week. Freaking jerk men.

So amen. Preach it sista.

Debs said...

That cake looks delish!! It's nearly worth it ....

Kyle Gershman said...

Did I mention my 4.6 pound loss this past week for a total of 52 pounds? Neener neener neener!

Of course, I'd only be this snarky on Sally's blog cuz she'd appreciate it. sucks...guys suck. However, I can't really get away with as many indescretions as you might think and I am working my literal butt off to do what I'm doing anyway. It is all relative.

Over time, we all lose based on the same calories in/out formula.

Commence hating me...

Sally said...

Neener, neener, neener?



cmoursler said...

Isn't it funny how when we lose they gain. It's like they are trying to sympathy eat.
My husband has put on a good 20 lbs since I started losing.
He has since started exercising, but he still shoves food in his gob 24/7.
It's a little irritating.

Rapunzel said...

here, here! My man was whining about his tight waistband last Friday, got on the scale Monday morning and declared himself 6 pounds down! wth? 6 pounds? Over the weekend? grrr!!!

Patty said...

Every time my boyfriend starts getting proud of the fact that he lost a few pounds and starts rubbing it in my face I just smile sweetly and offer to make him a "nice BIG sandwich", works every time.