Yesterday, I took my seventy-eight year old MOTHER (who lacks a mouth filter) to Wal-Mart to pick up one of her prescriptions. This is the sh*t she said to me while we were there:
*After waiting 45 minutes for her cholesterol medication, only to be told that they didn't have enough pills to fill her script and we'd have to come back in TWO days, my Mother turned to me IN FRONT OF THE PHARMACY CHICK and said *insert Portuguese accent and Sophia Petrillo attitude here*, "I tink all da people dat work in this stow-a have mental illness." Funny thing is, my brother works there, too. HAHAHAHA.
*While sitting on a bench in front of the pharmacy waiting for her name to be called, Momma was people watching. And my friends? You've been to Wal-Mart. You've seen some of THE PEOPLE that shop there, right? Well, on this day? Dudes! The greasy, toothless people were out in DROVES! And most of them were still wearing their pajamas even though it was two o'clock in the afternoon! Momma was not impressed...AT ALL. And I know this because at one point she looked at me and said, "Oh my God! Deez people look like dey no wash up foe-a lonnnnng time! Dey make me wanna throw up!"
*And finally, as we were leaving the store, we ran into one of our old neighbors. She used to live near my childhood home over thirty years ago. When she spotted us, she came over and gave my Mom and me a big hug. She was wearing a TIGHT pink jogging suit AND she is not a LITTLE woman. She also looked like she had just rolled out of bed with her hair wildly sticking up, no make-up on, and dry, scaly skin. UH-OH. I was nervous and I was thinking, "Please God. Please don't let the old lady embarrass me." And you know what? She didn't! She looked at the Old Neighbor Lady and said, "Oh! It's so nice to see you! You doing some shopping?" Old Neighbor Lady lifted one hand to show us her ratty fingernails and responded, "No! I'm here to have my nails done!"
Did you know that you can have your nails manicured at friggin Wal-Mart? No? Me neither!
Anywho, after she said her goodbyes to us, I thought to myself, "Man, does Old Neighbor Lady look like crap!" AND that's when my Mom turned to me and said, "She should forget fixing her nails and fix her face, instead." BAHAHAHAHA!
We're starting to think alike.
Nothing good can possibly come from this.