Monday, March 1, 2010

Sally, The Swinger?

Yesterday, my pals, Lou and Linda decided that they wanted to give me a special "gift" for taking on the role of "emcee" at Linda's book signing--which will take place on Sunday, March 7Th.

When they told me this, I was all, "No, no, no! I don't want anything! I'm emceeing because I want to help Linda. I want to support her! No compensation is necessary. Puh-leeze!"

But, they insisted.

So, last night, right before we went out for dinner, they presented me with this:



Yes, my friends. I am now the proud owner of a six week pole and exotic dancing fitness class. Help.Me.Jesus.

Now, something you may not know about me?

Yeah. I'm kind of a prude.

Don't get me wrong. I don't give a rat's hairy butthole what other people do in the privacy of their own homes (or with whom). As long as you're not swinging from it in front of me, knock yourself out.

However, when it comes to myself?

Dudes! I am not cool with sharing my bin-ness with the world! That means that there is NO FREAKIN WAY IN HELL that I will be gyrating and rubbing my girlie stuff on ANY POLE...ANYWHERE. No way, Jose.

Besides, I'm not exactly in the best shape of my life at the moment.

And the last frickin thing I need is to have to explain to my MY MOTHER just how I broke my ass and sprained my ta-tas while swinging around a stripper pole.

I know my limitations and I think I'll leave that shit up to the professionals...Thank.you.very.much.

So, anyway....I suppose I have to be gracious and thank Mr. and Mrs. Pervis for their...um...unique gift.

Thanks, Linda and Lou.

BUT YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE. Seriously!

Oh, and one more thing, peeps...

Does anybody else out there find it interesting that an ex-nun gave me pole dancing lessons (even if it was her pain in the ass husband's idea---she's still an accomplice)?

7 comments:

cmoursler said...

oh poo...
go.
That looks like a ton of fun..and you would have to be over 200 lbs to break the pole...
come on sally...man up. lol.
YOu could do it and take pictures.
Nothing would be funnier...think of your blog..and your blog readers. I will be taking one once I hit goal weight.
don't be a wussy...you see, I was going to say something else but didn't..lololol.
anywho, you have great friends.

Weighting Around said...

Try it, you might like it! If nothing else, you will have a good laugh! I'd do it with you if I lived nearby...

Jo said...

Sounds like there might be a market for a 6 week pole and exotic dancing fitness class. You wouldn't catch me out there either. I'd sell to the highest bidder.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, religion works first to control female sexuality and second to control society...so an EX nun sending you a round of pole dancing ACTUALLY makes perfect sense. No way that girl is inhibited these days or is going to colour within the lines.



Mind you, better you than me...I'm against it because I think pole dancing is exploitative and demeaning to women. Not the same thing. Still a great gag gift.
Barb

Kyle Gershman said...

I simply LOVE your posts...they are so freaking entertaining. Your life is imitating art because I find myself wondering fact or fiction.

Perhaps in return for your gift, you can get them a gift certificate for edible undies. Tit for tat...right?

Sally said...

Kyle-
Sadly, I only write the truth. This crap REALLY happens to me. BTW, the edible undies? NOT GOING THERE. My luck, Lou would wear them to my house.

Thanks for reading:)

Anonymous said...

What I want to know is WHO gave the nun pole dancing lessons?

Weezie