Yesterday morning, while I was chillaxing in my jammies and reading the latest issue of Rachael Ray magazine, I got a call from my friend, Lou. He was all discombobulated when I answered the phone and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Where's Paul?"
Me: He's downstairs brushing his teeth. Why?
Lou: Did you hear what happened?
Me: By the sound of your voice, I'm thinking NO. What happened?
Lou: On the street where you guys work, they found the body of a middle-aged man in a car that was set on fire!
Me: Holy crap! You've got to be shitting me! When did that happen?
Lou: The news said that some neighbors called the police at about two in the morning to report the fire!
Me: Oh my God! That is terrible! I can't believe that! It's such a small town! Nothing like that ever happens there! Wow!
Lou: Yeah. So, can I talk to Paul?
Me: No. He's still brushing his teeth and shaving, I think.
Lou: IS HE REALLY?
Me: What? What's that supposed to mean?
Lou: *insert EVIL chuckle* Well, I heard about the middle aged man in the car near your work and I got worried! I thought you might have OFFED him!
Me: LOUIE! I will beat your ass! I did not OFF him! He's brushing his friggin teeth!
Lou: How can I be so sure?
Me: Oh, please. I'll have him call you later.
Fast Forward An Hour Later....
Hubby and I were on our way out for lunch. I decided to call Lou from my cell phone so that he could talk to Hubby and thereby PROVE that I didn't OFF his ass. I dialed Lou's number and when he answered, I said, "I'm in the car with Paul. I will now prove my innocence." And then, I held my phone up to Hubby's lips and said, "Say something to Lou to prove that you're still alive."
And do you know what the little bastard did?
He clenched his lips really tight and would not make a peep!
So, I yelled, "Knock it off! Say something to Lou!"
Again, he smiled and looked at me sheepishly, still clenching his lips!
That's when I decided to play hardball. And?
I pinched his nipple.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" He yelled.
"See? I told you he was still breathing!" I responded with a big, fat SMILE on my face.
Whoever said that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, clearly doesn't know my husband.