Monday, April 12, 2010

At Least I Didn't Punch You In The Nads

Yesterday morning, while I was chillaxing in my jammies and reading the latest issue of Rachael Ray magazine, I got a call from my friend, Lou. He was all discombobulated when I answered the phone and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Where's Paul?"

Me: He's downstairs brushing his teeth. Why?

Lou: Did you hear what happened?

Me: By the sound of your voice, I'm thinking NO. What happened?

Lou: On the street where you guys work, they found the body of a middle-aged man in a car that was set on fire!

Me: Holy crap! You've got to be shitting me! When did that happen?

Lou: The news said that some neighbors called the police at about two in the morning to report the fire!

Me: Oh my God! That is terrible! I can't believe that! It's such a small town! Nothing like that ever happens there! Wow!

Lou: Yeah. So, can I talk to Paul?

Me: No. He's still brushing his teeth and shaving, I think.


Me: What? What's that supposed to mean?

Lou: *insert EVIL chuckle* Well, I heard about the middle aged man in the car near your work and I got worried! I thought you might have OFFED him!

Me: LOUIE! I will beat your ass! I did not OFF him! He's brushing his friggin teeth!

Lou: How can I be so sure?

Me: Oh, please. I'll have him call you later.

Fast Forward An Hour Later....

Hubby and I were on our way out for lunch. I decided to call Lou from my cell phone so that he could talk to Hubby and thereby PROVE that I didn't OFF his ass. I dialed Lou's number and when he answered, I said, "I'm in the car with Paul. I will now prove my innocence." And then, I held my phone up to Hubby's lips and said, "Say something to Lou to prove that you're still alive."

And do you know what the little bastard did?

He clenched his lips really tight and would not make a peep!

So, I yelled, "Knock it off! Say something to Lou!"

Again, he smiled and looked at me sheepishly, still clenching his lips!

That's when I decided to play hardball. And?

I pinched his nipple.


"See? I told you he was still breathing!" I responded with a big, fat SMILE on my face.


Whoever said that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER, clearly doesn't know my husband.


Debs said...

LOL. At least you stayed above the belt!

Rob Dyess said...

THAT is funny!! Good work!

BTW- Violence is always an option...Every now and again I whisper to my wife "They'll never find your body" - just keeps her in line a little.

Thanks for the laugh!!!

Anna said...

OMG! Hilarious! To expend on Rob, I always tell people if I ever disappear, have them check the septic (hubby's always telling me his going to stuff me down there .. ewww!).

mags said...

WOW - too funny!!! Love your blog - you always make me laugh out loud. (So what if I'm at work...don't judge me :)

ARJules said...

Okay - I just started reading your blog and I saw you archive that said "At least I Didn't Punch You in the Nads" and had to read it. And laughed out loud. Luckily, I'm not at work with my co-workers eyeing me as if I'm weird. (It happens a lot.)

Sally said...


Don't feel bad. People laugh at me all the time!

Welcome to Mais Fica and thanks for reading! Oh, and FYI? I am a bad influence. Consider yourself warned ;)