Friday, April 23, 2010

I Believe In Miracles! Where You From? You Sexay Thang!

It's no secret that I dream about winning the lottery. And when I see a lottery jackpot climb and climb, I always play a quick pick or two. Wednesday night was no exception.

As Hubby was driving us home from work, I saw a Powerball sign in the window of a convenience store stating that that night's jackpot was $258 million smackers. Holy freakin crap, right?!

So, I yelled and pointed, "Pull over! Pull over! Big money! Big money!" And? I scared the crap out of Hubby. He was not expecting my outburst, when suddenly, he swerved into the store's dirt parking lot a la Dukes of Hazzard and said:

Hubby: Jeez, Sal! You scared the shit out of me!

Me: I'm sorry! But, we need to play Powerball! I really think we're going to win!

Hubby: Oh, really?!

Me: Yep. I asked Father George (our friend who's a priest)
to put in a word for us with Jesus. I figure he's got connections. He said he'd work on it. AND THAT was like TWO weeks ago!

Hubby: I don't think it works like that. But, whatever...

Then Hubby got out of the car, went into the convenience store, and bought us THE DREAM:

Which, by the way, I can now wipe my ass with because it wasn't the winning ticket. Son-of-a-bitch.

Yep. You heard correctly.

I am sad to report that once again, I---even though I was soooo convinced that the moolah was meant for me (thanks for nothing, Father George)---was not the Powerball winner. Boo hoo.

And in case you don't know who the winner of that luscious jackpot was, it was this guy: And I am not even freaking kidding you, people (click here for details)!

Okay, Jesus. I get it.

He needs it more than I do.

I just hope that Choppers McGee can muster up some self control....because you and I know that it won't be long before the skanks start beating down his double-wide door to get to his rich, toothless ass.

Isn't it amazing how millions of dollars can suddenly turn any man into a sexay thang?

Oh, well.

This loser's got to get back to the daily grind.

But first, I have the sudden urge to floss and brush my teeth.

Who's with me?


Kyle Gershman said...

Umm..okay..bought it himself from his own convenience store...interesting.

Did you hear about the lottery scam where the clerk would scan your ticket, see it as a winner, but tell you it wasn't only to take the ticket for themselves?

Now...I'm not saying that happened in this case because if it was a powerball, I'd sure has hell know what the numbers were, but I'm just raising my eyebrows ever so slightly.

Oh...good for him...bastard.

Sally said...


Good for him!

*choke, choke, grumble, grumble, F word*

chubbynomore said...

On a day where I definately need a good laugh, I came across your blog and seriously laughed so hard I cried! Thank you and sorry you didn't win but look at this way that guy probably was sittin in dentists chair within the hour of cashing in! lol...

Rob Dyess said...

No shit... I think I am going to start flossing now, and not stop till tomorrow sometime.

You know, the thing is- God does not want me to win because if I won, I would turn into that guy... except that I would be drunk and a lot fatter than I am now. Of course I would be drunk and fat on the French Riviera. My guess is that God has higher expectations of me.

Thanks for the laugh!!

cmoursler said...

I saw this earlier today on the news.
the dude has kids by two different women, had a girlfriend with two kids..his big his bills and probably bling up his trailer.
dollars to donuts he blows the was on giant fuzzy dice and low rent strippers within five years.

Brian said...

If I was Chris Shaw(Lottery Winner Guy), I would buy a nice platinum grill know... like the ones on those dudes in those rap videos wear!. Chics dig it man.

michele said...

OMG...i just found your blog and i haven't laughed this hard about anything for damn funny...i keep following my husband around the house reading outloud your musings cause i can't contain myself...thanks for the daily dose of humor! i'll be a regular for sure!

Sally said...


Welcome and thanks for reading!
Oh, and do me a favor, will you? Please apologize to your husband for me. I just know I will be a bad influence on you. Consider yourselves warned ;)


Rosa said...

You are hilarious! I am so glad I found you. But I must read your blog at home and not at work 'cause you almost made me pee my pants!