Friday, May 7, 2010

I Can Make It Look Like An Accident

By now, most of you know that the Hubby and I work together. We own our own business---which is quite challenging in itself---because after spending WAY too many hours at work, it's not like we can go home at night and "just forget" what went on that day. When you are self-employed, there's no getting away from business.

When I tell people that Hubs and I work together, I usually get one of two reactions. The first usually goes, "OH.MY.GOD! How can you stand it? I could NEVER live AND work with my wife/husband. We would kill each other!"

The second reaction---which is much rarer---is usually, "That's so great! You're working together towards a common goal! You must get along really well!"

If you ask me what I think, I'd say that working with my husband is definitely a plus in my life because he gets me. I can be myself at work and I like that he's not the least bit surprised or annoyed when I hang up the phone after dealing with a "challenging" customer or vendor and hurl f-bombs into the atmosphere.

As a matter of fact, sometimes he even fuels my fire.

Like yesterday, when I hung up the phone and started yelling, "Good Lord! That man is crazy! Crazy, I tell you! I think that mofo son-of-a-b*tch smokes crack!" And my husband yelled back from the other end of the room, "What's that a-hole's problem, now?"

Hahaha. Maybe it's only funny to me. But, I feel validated when he takes my side.

Now, let me just say one thing.

I DO NOT--for one minute--want you all to think that every workday with Hubby is filled with rainbows and unicorns. NOT SO, PEOPLE. Not so, at all.

As a matter of fact, yesterday? I wanted to beat the man into oblivion...and I swear, I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON.

Oh sure, I like to talk smack, BUT that's as rough as I usually get.

But, YESTERDAY? Oh, man. I seriously thought about sticking his head under some very dangerous shop equipment...specifically, I thought about zapping him in the noggin with a laser. *FRY, FRY, SIZZLE, SIZZLE*

And what could possibly push me over the edge like that and make me want to maim the man I professed to spend my life with?

I'm not even going to tell you. I'm going to show you, instead. AND? You'd better take my side IF you don't want me to hunt you down and taser your ass.

Here's what got my underwear all bunched up in a knot...

Yesterday, Hubby went out to make a delivery. While I was walking past his desk, I decided to put some of his tools away because I knew he wouldn't need them for the rest of the day. When I started to open up his toolboxes to see where certain wrenches belonged, I found this:










Dudes! WTF is that all about?

He has a damn stash of chocolate bars on steroids!

And did you see that they all say KING SIZE and LARGE SIZE?

What's the friggin deal? NORMAL FUGGIN SIZE candy bars won't do?

So, when he came back from delivering crap to a customer, I called him on it!

I was all, Dude! What is the meaning of this shit? We (meaning ME) can't have those in here! You need to get rid of those chocolate bars right now!

And do you know what the little bastard did??????

He walked over, grabbed a Kit Kat, and started munching on it saying, "OK. I'll start by getting rid of this one first!"

*STAB, STAB, STAB...PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH...TASER, TASER, TASER*

All I'm saying is he'd better heed my warning and get that shit out of my work environment ASAP. Because as the sign says:

He is in some seriously fuggin danger right now.

13 comments:

Heather said...

I know where I'm going for lunch. :)

michele said...

OMG...i can't stand this...i'm sitting alone upstairs, husband downstairs, and it's ONLY 8:46 in the morning with one cup of coffee under my belt........and i'm in a ball of hysterical laughter. i can't read this blog anymore...! j/k.........so damn funny...:)

Kimberley said...

I can't decide who is funnier to read about...your husband or Lou.

Salina Lyn said...

I hear ya....I picture myself smacking my hubby upside the head with a cast iron skillet then setting him on fire with the grease when he pisses me off.

Sally said...

Dear Salina Lyn,

HAHAHAHAHA! I think we are long lost relatives! Seriously!

Thanks for reading!!

XOXO,
Sally ;)

Kyle Gershman said...

A) I guess stabbing the box of oreos didn't quite convey the message.

B) Why haven't you set your mother on him yet?

C) Candy plus a shop blow torch sends a good message too.

D) Hubby plus shop blow torch if all else fails.

cmoursler said...

Oh yeah!
I will top you here.
When I was on Atkins in the beginning stage...I opened the glove box in my van to find king sized snickers bars.
He has his own car.
When I asked him
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!?
His reply "Well, I didn't want the kids to get them, and I knew you wouldn't eat them'.
I thought...one of these days I could simply back out of my driveway and thump..right over him....and make it look like an accident...

Debs said...

Poor Paul! I cannot take your side on this one girlfriend! He hid them after all. Never search a man's toolbox, you could've found a lot worse! LOL.

Rob Dyess said...

Yeah... I thought you were going to find something really good!!

Give him a break... we are rather simple beings you know.

WeighDownSouth.com

Jenn Barley | The KickStart Coach said...

Too funny -- My husband has quit his job to help me with my -- whoops, I mean our -- business. He starts June 1st.

Thank god we don't have a craftsman tool chest.

TheUnlikelyTriathlete said...

I thought you were going to find something obscene and perverse......I was right.

Fragrant Liar said...

I don't know which is worse, finding king size candy bars, or finding that he didn't want to share them with you. Yeah, that's a real marital issue waiting to happen.

Fragrant Liar said...

Plus, just for my own edification, is going into a man's toolbox the same as a man going into your purse? Cuz I wouldn't want him to find your stash of candy bars either. Just sayin' so you won't get caught.