Tuesday, May 25, 2010

If You Think Joan Rivers Looks Good, It's Time To Have Your Cataracts Removed

I just got back from taking Sophia Petrillo (my mother) to the eye doctor. Apparently, she has been sporting an infection in her left eye since Friday.

In case you're wondering, her not feeling well has had NO bearing on her ability to talk WAY too much. Her gums are still a flappin NONFREAKINSTOP.

Matter of fact, while we were waiting for the doctor to call us into the exam room, she asked me about some posters that were plastered all over the waiting room walls.

These were posters showing the before and after pictures of women who've had botox injections, restylane injections, and eye lifts---all procedures which are now readily available for purchase at the eye doctor's office. Seriously.

Anywho, after examining the pictures for awhile, this is the conversation that took place between me and my seventy-nine year old mother. Please remember that she has a Portuguese accent AND zero mouth filter:

Sophia: What's does dat say?

Me: It's an advertisement for Botox.

Sophia: What's dat?

Me: That's the stuff they shoot into your face with a needle. It takes away wrinkles.

Sophia: Yeah?

Me: Yeah.

Sophia: How much money does it cost?

Me: I don't know.

Sophia: WE needa find out.

Me: What do you mean WE?

Sophia: Well, you needa find out too because you are forty. Pretty soon you gonna needa dat, too.

Me: Ma, puh-leeze! I don't need that AND neither do you. Plus, it's a lot of money.

Sophia: I no care! Maybe I gonna get a face lift like Joan Rivers! Dat is ten tousand dollars!

Me: WHAT?

Sophia: Joan Rivers! She looks nice. No wrinkles!

Me: Ma! Joan Rivers looks like crap! She looks like a crazy lady! You are NOT getting a face lift!

Sophia: You not my boss. I am my boss!

Me: (mumbling under my breath) Maybe not now, I'm not. But, I will be when you're living in Shady Pines.

Sophia: WHAT you say?

Me: I said you look nice the way you are.

Sophia: Dat not what you said!

Me: If you know WHAT I said, then why are you asking me what I said?

Sophia: (folding her arms and pouting) You are verrry fresh.

Me: I guess that proves you are my real mother.

And with that, she stuck her tongue out at me

Whatever, Old Woman.

Addendum: I asked the doctor if he could prescribe a numbing agent that I could apply to my mother's tongue...you know, to keep the old gal quiet for the duration of the car ride home. He laughed and said, "Oh, you're mother's so cute! You don't really mean that!"

For the record?

Yes.I.FREAKIN.DO.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sally,
You are so blessed to have your mother near you. The doctor is right, she is so cute and fun. She is a beauty. God Bless her for many years to come. My Friend you are lucky and I hope you feel it!

cmoursler said...

Joan Rivers face is so tight you could bounce a quarter off it.
lol.

Alexis said...

Plastic surgery schmastic schmurgery. Joan Rivers is an example of raw comedic talent, fueled by brash honesty, which in my book is something to be admired and respected

Walter said...

I wonder what that piece of work Joan Rivers will do on her birthday tomorrow June 8th. Knowing her it’ll be a hoot! lol her doc coming out this Friday looks soo honest AND funny. Gotta love her.