Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why I Self Medicate...

It's 12:23pm and I just got to work. I had to take Sophia Petrillo (A.K.A. my 79 year old mother) to the doctor's office to check the status of her blood pressure/new blood pressure medication.

After spending the morning with her, I think I suddenly need an assortment of meds MYSELF---starting with blood pressure pills (I'm sure), happy pills, some tranquilizers, and some beer. FYI...Beer is made from wheat and barley. Therefore, it qualifies as a homeopathic treatment for stress in my book.

So, the first thing that Sophia did to irk me today, was she came out of the house wearing high heeled--open toed slingbacks, capri pants, and a thin sweater.

Dudes! WTF? It's like 49 degrees here today!

So, I said, "Ma? It's freezing! Why aren't you dressed warmer?" To which she responded *INSERT PORTUGUESE ACCENT AND ATTITUDE PROBLEM HERE*, "I AM SICK of dis weather! I put all my winter clothes away ALREADY! Dis weather is bullshit!"

I retorted, "This weather is what we're stuck with! People are going to look at the way you're dressed and think you're a crazy lady!" To which she responded, "I don't care. They can kiss my ass."

Alrighty then...

Argument Numero Uno: Sally 0 / Sophia Petrillo 1

After making our way to the doctor's office and waiting approximately ten minutes, the medical assistant came out to get us. She led Sophia to the scale where she weighed in (after birthing NINE children in her lifetime, that would be at a measly 129lbs), AND THAT'S where ARGUMENT NUMERO DOS began.

Sophia got off the scale, looked at the medical chick and said, "You needa take two pounds off my weight because of my clothes and shoes or else dat not fair." Now, the medical chick is looking at my mother like, EXCUSE ME? YOU TELLIN ME HOW TO DO MY JOB, OLD WOMAN? And my mother's all staring her down and shit. So, the chick actually did it! She wrote down her weight MINUS two freakin pounds!

When the medical chick left the room, I was like, "MA! That is not nice! And you do not tell the doctor's assistant to lie about your weight! You are not her boss! She's going to think your a BIG feitseira (witch in Portuguese)!" To which she responded, "I don't care what she thinks about me. She can think I am a feitseira because I think she is toooo fat. If you work for a doctor, you should be skinny!"

Argument Numero Dos: Sally, 0 / Sophia Petrillo, 2

Now, it's time to leave the doctor's office. As I am driving her home, she tells me to pull into Burger King because she wants a Whopper Junior and some french fries for lunch. So I said, "Ma? You're taking blood pressure and cholesterol pills. Don't you think you should get a grilled chicken sandwich, instead?" She replied, "NO. I'm almost EIGHTY (she only turned 79 last week). I can have whatever I want."

Oh.My.Freakin.Hell.

Argument Numero Tres: Sally, A BIG FAT FUGGIN ZERO / Sophia Petrillo, 3

Knowing that I CAN NOT win...EVER, I give in and say, "Fine, Ma. Whatever!" Because by now? I am ready to glue her lips shut.

And the funny thing??? I mean THE REALLY FUGGIN FUNNY THING???

After my torturous morning with Ms. Bossy Von Bossman, I pull into Burger King to get her a damn sandwich and I see this on the street sign:



WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

She's ornery enough NOW! If this sign rings true, WHO THE FRIG will be able to tolerate her after she eats her damn WHOPPER?

Seriously?!

11 comments:

amy said...

That has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time!! She sounds pretty spunky!

Buzzybee said...

TO FUGGIN FUNNY! I sure needed that today....

Buzzybee said...

To fuggin funny! What is an angry whopper and did your Mom order it for lunch?

J-Bird said...

Angry Whoppers are only BKs blessing to us all. Jalepeno cheese, spicy sauce, onion rings, jalepeno peppers all on a delicious whopper. They had them here in Ohio last summer. They are gone now. I am so jealous.

Amanda said...

You and your mom need your own sitcom. Except at the end of its run you might need your own episode of "Intervention"...

But from this end, serious giggles abound ;)

Certifiably Fit said...

OMG this post totally had me laughing like a crazy person at my desk at work!

Happened to wonder over here from another blog and thought I would check things out. Like what I see so now I'm following you. Look forward to reading your blog in the future.

If you get a chance swing by my blog and say hello.

Katy said...

That's pretty balsy of your mom to ask for 2 lbs off her weight. I like her.

Jessie said...

Your mom is hilarious! I must say I agree with her at almost 80 (barely 79) I think she should eat whatever the hell she wants lol
O

gt said...

All i can say is... amanhã traz mais. I have no idea how I got to your blog, but I did just spend the last hour reading, laughing too dang much. I'm Portuguese also, and my mom (rest her soul) sounded alot like yours.

Keep it up, I'm stuck out here in the desert southwest with no other portugies around... I need this!

LOL,
Bill

Sally said...

Bill!

My brother from another Portuguese mother! Welcome to Mais Fica! Email me! I'll send you some chourico! LOL.

XOXO,
Sally ;)

Sally said...

Buzzybee,

She ordered a regular ole Whopper Junior...minus the angry ;)

XOXO,
Sally ;)