Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ivory Soap: My Ticket To Heaven?

Recently, one of my friends asked me where I get my blog post ideas. She was all like, "Seriously, Sal? How could you possibly have so much to say?"

So, I thought about it for a second and answered, "How the hell do I know? I just write about the crap that happens to me. Shit happens everyday, you know."

And it does.

Some days I'll be doing something so basic and BAM! I'll get a crazy thought in my head and think, "I've just GOT to tell my friends about this (THIS MEANS YOU, DUDES)."

Like the other day...

I'd spent a good portion of my day dealing with (A.K.A. getting tortured by) Sophia Petrillo, my seventy-nine year old Mother with no mouth filter. I took her out for lunch, to do some errands, and shopping.

FINALLY, it was time to take her home. Whoo hoo!

As I was dropping her off, she said, "Aren't you coming in?" And I was thinking, "Good God, WOMAN! Haven't I had ehough?! Surely it must be time for me to go home and self medicate with a giant pitcher of sangria!"

But then I realized that I had to pee...AND I had a twenty-five minute ride home.

So, I agreed to go in just to use the can.

And this is when I got my inspiration for this blog post...while I was sitting on my Mother's toilet, taking a whizz.

I know.

You think I'm classy.

Anywho, so there I am, sitting on the bowl making pee and looking around the bathroom taking in the Old Lady's decor, when I noticed this Buddha soap sitting on a shelf (a gift from a friend):



And immediately I thought to myself, "The Old Lady decoratively displays this with other stuff on a bathroom shelf, which is OK. But what about those people who buy it for its scent and lather?" I mean...I'm no expert on sacrilege. But, I'm pretty sure that washing your ballsack with Buddha soap IS NOT COOL."

Then? I glanced over to another shelf and saw this:



And I thought to myself, "Hmmm...As a knick knack in an old lady's bathroom, I guess Mary, Mother of Jesus soap is OK. But what kind of person actually buys this soap to use AS FRIGGIN SOAP?"

I mean seriously. I've got enough strikes against me. Why would I add more fuel to the fire by washing my coochie (or ass or armpits) with a bar of soap shaped in the image of Jesus' Mother?

Ewwww...SO.NOT.COOL.

In my head, I might as well strap myself into some metal underwear and stand under a giant oak tree during a friggin lightening storm.

Seriously.

7 comments:

Allan said...

That is funny.. Thanks...Buddha and ball sack... Oy.

Debby said...

OMG I just snorted there...might have even peed a little!

cmoursler said...

?????
Who makes this stuff?
Who wakes up one day and says;
'you know what would be REALLY cool,
Mother Mary soap".

life.
holy crow.

Kyle Gershman said...

Perhaps the whole "cleanliness is next to godliness" gives you a pass when you rinse off the nether-regions.

Though...I've never heard "cleanliness is next to Buddhaliness" so they are simply screwed.

Hanlie said...

Oh, you had me laughing out loud there! Thanks!

Yum Yucky said...

ha! Who knew "making pee" could turn into such an adventure?

J-Bird said...

You are ooooooooonne Classy Lady. I agree that washing my tiddly bits with a religious figure is akin to sacrilige. Then again, it is the closest that some of us will get to holiness. Maybe you should try it out and then let us know if anything bad happens. I'm looking forward to that post. I know I'll be laughing out loud to that one too.