Monday, June 28, 2010

Maybe Jesus Would Rather Drive A Harley?

Yesterday, these guys?


They rang my doorbell at 8:55am on a FRIGGIN SUNDAY MORNING to feed me a line of shit about how Jesus is going to come again (Did he go somewhere?) on a white horse with wings, carrying a sword, which he will use to "off" all of those people who are nonbelievers.

Then, they tried to give me some pamphlets so I could read all about it and potentially save myself from eternal damnation.

I stood there...completely still for a couple of seconds.

I was contemplating.

Then, I, in all of my morning splendor (AKA...bad attitude, bathrobe, Ugg camouflage slippers, and ZERO make-up) said, "So, what you're saying is, if I don't believe what you're telling me, Jesus is going to show up at my door with a sharp weapon and go ALL ZORRO on my ass?"

The younger guy looked nervous. The older guy quickly responded, "Ma'am, that's not exactly what we're saying. What we mean is..."

And that's when Morning Sally (FYI--Morning Sally is a BE-OTCH!) became unhinged. Seriously.

I FLIPPED out and said, "Gentlemen, I don't give a crap WHAT you mean. I already have a religion AND it is not up for debate. I may not have a white horse OR a sword, but I DO have a Lexus and a Super Soaker and I'm not afraid to use them. Please don't EVER come to my home again!" *SLAM*

(Effin whackjobs! How do they always find ME?!)

Believe what you want, people.

But, I'm not buying this shit for one friggin minute.

Jesus is hip.

And I'm pretty sure he knows that if he wants to get this generation's attention, he'd have to ride into town on/in something cooler than a friggin farm animal....I'm thinking a pimped out metallic white Bentley with some bad ass 26" chrome spinners.



T. Michelle said...

I'm cracking up! I have memories of when I was a kid and they used to come to our door bright and early on sunday morning and my grandfather would say..."I'm about to go to my own god Dam church and dammit you go to yours!" SLAM! that would surely wake me up in the morning....lmao!

Ms. Marsha said...

LOL!!!! A Lexus and a supersoaker. That is hilarious!!!
I hate those guys too and they so freak out when I tell them I am an athiest. It is amusing to see the expression on their faces.

judyqofk said...

Wiping water off the monitor from the huge spit take I did reading this!!
I'v always found explaining that I'm a Zen Buddhist (which I'm not) gives me time to get the door closed in the shocked silence while they figure out what to say next.

Debby said...

Oh holy shit! I was laughing so hard hub almost had to give me CPR! I wanted to read it to him, but was snorting too hard. I finally wiped the tears and got it out...and he laughed so hard I think he peed a little.

They came to our house once...right after hub had a root canal...I was puking with the puking crud so he answered the door. They pizzed him off from the first word. He finally told them that they better get out of there or he would shoot them and leave the chalk outline for future reference. They never came back.

MB said...

I wish you had security video footage of this encounter. It would be priceless.

Luckily I live on the third floor and the door bells don't work ;)

cmoursler said...

Now I find when i pop off with I am a southern baptist they go all "So you believe that god sends people to a fiery and eternal hell to be tortured for eternity."
I say "Yup'.
They say "And that doesn't bother you.'
I say "not one little bit."
in the shocked silence that ensues I close the door. mine is an elderly gentleman who dresses nicely andisn't too pushy. He drops his pamphlet and inquires about my family. It's the young ones that tend to be obnoxious.

Kyle Gershman said...

Damn...and I was just about to give you my testimony.

Anonymous said...

did they really say jesus would come on a horse...etc???? thats INSANE!!!!

steph :)