Monday, July 19, 2010

Friends In REALLY High Places

It's been awhile. But I've got another "Sophia Petrillo" story for you.

For those of you who aren't sure who I'm talking about, I'm talking about my MOTHER. She is the VERY STYLISH, seventy-nine year old, Portuguese version of Sophia Petrillo AND she has NO MOUTH FILTER.

Every Saturday, I take her out for lunch, to do errands, and then to church.

And every Saturday at the end of our day together, I take her home---barely stopping the moving vehicle before pushing her out. Then, I go home---where I sit in silent meditation to avoid self medicating with cake and/or alcohol.

So last Saturday, we were at church. And in the middle of Mass, my Mother leans over to me and whispers:

Sophia: Hey!

Me: (leaning in closer to her) What?

Sophia: (whispering) IN TWO WEEKS?

Me: (whispering) Yeah?

Sophia: IN TWO WEEKS?

So, I lean in even CLOSER because obviously THIS MUST BE REALLY FREAKIN IMPORTANT, right?

Me: What, Ma? What's in two weeks?

And she says...

*GET THIS, PEOPLE!*

She says, "IN TWO WEEKS? You're gonna be FORTY-ONE! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ONE MORE YEAR OLDER! BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And she giggled her evil little ass off!

So I got pissed. And I whispered, "That's not funny, Ma. Not funny at all."

And she sat there---mocking me...IN CHURCH, batting her eyelashes and nodding as if to say OH YES IT IS!

I shook my head disapprovingly and gave her the BEHAVE YOURSELF LOOK. Then, I crossed my arms and turned my attention back to the Mass.

Dudes. You are not even going to believe what happened next. Seriously.

About ten seconds passed and all of a sudden, Sophia started to clear her throat like she had a tickle in it.

THEN?

She started to cough!

THEN?

She started choking!

And I'm all like WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON HERE, right? So I look at her and she's all red and shit and is practically hacking up a lung! And I just kept staring at her like Get a grip, Old Woman! This is embarrassing!

Finally, she popped a cough drop in her mouth and after a few seconds, she calmed right down. But, her eyes were all buggy and she had a frantic look in her eye as if to say, What the hell just happened?

So, I waited a few seconds.

Then, I leaned in close to her and whispered...

"See what happens when you mess with me in front of Jesus?!"

And she responded the way she sometimes does.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

Lucky for her...THAT TIME?

Jesus looked the other way.

5 comments:

Allan said...

Too funny... Thanks....

Rob Dyess said...

I know... that shit is NOT funny!!!

You need to get a grip on her!

Thanks... as always!!

WeighDownSouth.com

Kim Scales said...

LMAO! I can see from where you get your sassiness!
P.S. I named my daughter Sophia so she could grow up to be a sassy old fart, too.

cmoursler said...

LMaO....Jesus has your back FO shizzle....lololol.
*Glad your mom didn't kick over.

Kyle Gershman said...

Yeah...sometimes it is very Jesus-like to get a warning shot.