Friday, July 9, 2010

Hives And Snot....Sexy, I'm Not.

Happy Friday, my friends!

I apologize for being MIA for most of this week. But, I was dealing with some life drama that really came out of nowhere and bit me in the ass.

Here's the rundown...

Last Friday, I went for a mammogram...you know...because I'm FORTY and that's what forty year-olds do for shits and giggles (Colonoscopy comes at 50! YEE-HA!).

This Tuesday morning, I had a message on my answering machine from the mammography office telling me to call them as soon as possible. Of course, I didn't get their message until 7:00PM when I got home from work, and their office was already closed, so being a drama queen---I basically spent my entire night analyzing and stressing about that message. AND.I.DIDN'T.SLEEP.A.LICK.

The next morning, I called the office at 9:00AM and asked to speak to the woman who left me the message. She came on the phone and told me that I needed to have a more diagnostic mammogram because of "something" that the radiologist saw on my left side. Then she said, "These diagnostic images have to be done at the hospital. Can you come in today at 1 o'clock?" By that point, I was pretty much crying myself into a frenzy. I answered, "Yes." Then, I went and told my husband about it and he said, "OK. Don't panic. Everything is going to be fine. You're going to be fine. We'll work until 12 o'clock. Then, we'll go to the hospital together."

Now, you would think that a woman of my stature (Shut up and play along!) would be able to hold her shit together, right?

NO FUGGIN WAY, DUDES.

I bawled my freakin head off all morning. I was a vision in snot. Seriously.

By the time we actually got to the hospital, I was a little calmer. Hubs was making small talk to keep me from blowing a cork and I was feeling like I could handle whatever was coming my way (Like I had a choice???).

Suddenly, as we waited for the tech to come and get me for my testing, I started losing it again. I looked at my husband and said:

Me:
Paul! I'm so nervous! Quick! Tell me a something that'll keep me from crying.

Hubby: OK. Um...So, I was thinking that it would be cool if we tried to be vegetarians for a day!

Me: **sniffle, heave, sniffle** Where the frick did that come from? **sniffle, heave, sniffle**

Hubby: *shrugging*

Me: Um...That's kind of a weird thing to say. But, okay. I'm game. When do we start?

Hubby: Today! Tonight I'm going to take you to that vegetarian restaurant in Providence that you've always wanted to try. It'll be an adventure!

Me: Okay. If you say so. **sniffle, sniffle**

Just then, the very nice mammography tech came to get me. Hubby squeezed my hand and gave me a kiss and said, "You're going to be fine."

And I walked away...SILENTLY BAWLING MY GAH-DAMN HEAD OFF SOME MORE.

As I followed the tech into the exam room, I continued to cry and drip watery snot all over myself. The booby squeezing lady told me not to worry. In response, I blubbered, "I'm sorry. But, I'm really nervous. Just ignore me and do what you need to do."

So she did.

Two mammograms and 45 minutes later, I was told that I have microcalcifications in my left breast. Apparently, they are nothing to worry about right now. But, I'll have to go back in a few months to monitor them for changes in appearance.

And so my friends, that's where I've been...

FYI? I worked myself up SO BADLY on Tuesday, that I broke out in hives...which I still have.

I'm so sexy right now, I can't even stand it.

Oh, yeah! And one more thing!

Tuesday night, after such a traumatic day, my husband and I made good on our deal and became vegetarians....for exactly one hour.

We went to a vegan restaurant for dinner to experiment with our new lifestyle and we ate tempeh and tofu and lentils! And?

THE WHOLE MEAL TASTED LIKE ASS.

That's when we decided that while we admire people who are vegans/vegetarians, WE WOULD NEVER BE EITHER.

Because to us?

The freedom to suck on a barbecued rib/pork chop/chicken leg, is one of the things that kinda makes life worth living.

Seriously.

Have a great weekend y'all!

Muchos smooches!

And VIVA LA BEEF!

12 comments:

rusty61 said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you went through all that! I would have been frightened too, and I'm sure glad it turned out better than you imagined.

Your husband seems to be great in a stressful situation!

Rapunzel said...

Whoa, that was scary stuff you went through! So glad you're ok now, hon. For the record, I bet you still look damned sexy despite the snot and hives. xoxoxo

Jenn said...

Welcome back, Sally! Was hoping that you were just on vacation rather than going through something so horrible!

What a great hubby you have though. Makes up for all of those chocolate cakes he inhales without gaining weight. :)

Kyle Gershman said...

You are the only one I can think of that can make a very sobering topic humorous to follow you on. I love how your husband was ready to work your ass up until the appointment...sure he must have known it would take your mind off things. Seriously...you two are cute together.

Laura said...

I HATE stress hives! OMG!

Feel better hun!

<3 Laura
winloseorblog-laura.blogspot.com

Hanlie said...

Wow, what a roller coaster! I'm glad you're okay...

I have to tell you, we hardly ever eat meat, but I've never eaten tempeh etc. We eat vegetables!

Kimberley said...

I am glad everything turned out in the end.

I read this today and when I read your post I thought it fit.

"What if most of the challenges you perceive are nothing more than illusions you've created?" Ralph Marston

Not to discount your feelings, because I would have been upset too, but sometimes we work ourselves up for naught...and end up with snot...what a poet I am.

You are far braver than I to try all that vegany goodness...I will stick to being a meatatarian.

H.K. said...

Oh, man that was a real roller coaster ride of emotions! I'm like you I break out into hives when I'm extremely stressed out. I'm glad that it was a better prognosis.

Ten Pounds said...

Glad it's ok. Glad you're not turning veggie. Like you say, steak is necessary.

Anna said...

I'm glad you're okay. I don't blame you for losing it. I went through something similar a few years ago. Although, I would cut off my right breast to have smaller breasts, I absolutely want it to be on my own terms. Facing the possibility of any decision of that nature being completely taken out of your hands is terrifying. I'm sure you were beautiful ... snot and all!

Fragrant Liar said...

ROFL. Your husband is a real quick thinker on his feet. Vegetarianism? That took some huevos to suggest that, eh? I always think I should become a vegetarian -- I'm such a wuss when it comes to eating things like, say, froglegs. But no. Carnivore here.

Sorry about your mammo scare. I just got a call the other day too, after my mammogram. They left me a message to come back in, so now I have to call them back. I had totally forgotten about it until I read your post. So thanks! And keep on top of those calcification thingamajigs, will ya!

Rob Dyess said...

Absolutely.... Could not do this without meat! I mean... It is a good reason to live!

Thanks!

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