Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot, Like Me?

Friday was the first official day of BlogHer and I was so flippin' excited.

I was excited because for the first time in my life, I was going to rub elbows/make friends/get inspired by THOUSANDS of fellow women bloggers...many of whom I already felt that I knew personally, because I've been reading about them forever.

So, on Friday morning, I began my day at BlogHer's Newbie Breakfast---which was very interesting, to say the least.

While there, I met and exchanged business cards with loads of bloggers. But, I couldn't help feeling a little bit out of place.

There were women there talking OH SO EXCITEDLY about their hobbies---like how they just LOVE to make their own jams and jellies!---To which I silently thought, "Eff that. They sell that sh*t at the grocery store. I'd rather lay on the couch with a good book."

There were "new" moms there talking about how their babies' poop changed in texture AFTER they stopped breast feeding.---To which I thought, "Yeah, well mine changes texture AFTER I eat spicy Thai food."

And there were women there talking about "BEING GREEN" and how they cut up their husbands' t-shirts to use as rags so they don't have to buy paper towels.---To which I thought, "God, I freakin love paper. If I could tongue-kiss the guy that invented it, I totally would."

So, after a long-ish day of going to BlogHer sessions (seminars) and acting nice and smiling at everyone and holding in all of my desires to hurl eff bombs, I decided to skip all BlogHer parties and hang out with my Hubs for the night.

In the elevator, on my way up to my room, I met this very interesting chick. She said hello to me and quickly glanced at my name tag before asking:

Elevator Chick: Are you a blogger?

Me: Yes, I am.

Elevator Chick: That's great! Because you fit the bill!

Me: (scared to ask WTF bill she was talking about) Um. Okay.

Elevator Chick: Do you have a card?

Me: (digging around in my bag) Um. Yeah. Here you go.

Elevator Chick: Great! I'm going to leave something for you at the concierge desk.

Me: Okay.

Then, she exited the elevator.

FYI, I didn't think that her actions were weird because at BlogHer, TONS of sponsors shower you with free swag. So, I figured that Elevator Chick was there promoting some COOL product, which was fine with me because WHO DOESN'T LOVE FREE STUFF?! Right?

Anywho, I made my way to my room where I changed my clothes and then Hubby and I went out on the town.

When we got back to the hotel at midnight-ish, I had a message from the concierge announcing that they were holding a package there for me. I got excited! Whoo hoo! Free stuff from the Elevator Chick!

Quickly, I dashed out to meet the concierge and retrieve my prize for which the mysterious Elevator Chick said, I FIT THE BILL.

Dudes! Get this sh*t.

My free swag?

For which I fit the effin bill?

Yeah, it was a big ass bottle of humidity control hair tamer!

That skinny whore in the elevator thought that I looked like a fuggin Chia Pet! WTF?!

I made my way back up to my room and told Hubby what happened. I said, "Can you believe this sh*t? Can you believe that THAT STINKIN WHORE thinks my hair looks like an unruly MASS OF ASS?!"

Always looking on the bright side, he smiled, looked me in the eye and answered, "At least it wasn't wrinkle cream!"

Good call, Dude.

And OH.SO.FRIGGIN.LUCKY for Elevator Chick...



Allan said...

And I get all the bad press,,,, HAHAHA

Kim Scales said...

This one should have had a drink disclaimer. I laughed so hard, I spewed my iced coffee on the keyboard!

Debby said...

OMG I think I just peed a little there.

I was in Wally World a few weeks ago and asked a lady I know that works there where the dye was. She got all excited and started walking me to the aisle saying the whole time how excited she was that I was FINALLY going to dye my hair. It makes me look so old with ALL THAT GREY, and dying it would make me look YEARS YOUNGER.

Eff that indeed.

I wanted pink dye to color my white pool cover up.

OTerez said...

Oy That was hilarious :) I was having a crap day until I read that.
"Fit The Bill" is the new "Bless your heart a.k.a. you're an idiot"
thanks for sharing!!!!

PersonalFailure said...

Yes, "skinny whore" is definitely the way we should be referring to other women. Her behavior was insulting to you, but having been called "skinny whore" purely on the basis of being skinny, I wish you could find another way to express your displeasure.

Ten Pounds said...

Ha ha. If I'd been there in the elevator she'd have left an even bigger one for me. Hard to take as a compliment, really.