Monday, August 9, 2010

Feliz Navidad From Your Peeps In Chinatown!

Ahhhh...Home Sweet Home.

Just returned from a four day trip to the Big Apple where I attended BlogHer. And man, am I friggin exhausted.

You'll be THRILLED to know that I have a sh*tload of stories for you because I am so obviously a LOON magnet....and where better for me to be BOMBARDED by BATSH*TCRAZY people than good ole' NYC?

For reals.

Since I did a whole lot of stuff and met a bazillion people while I was there, I hereby proclaim this: NY Week.

Pull up a chair and here we go...

So last Thursday, Hubby and I (Yeah. He went, too..) commenced our trip by taking a train to NY, hailing a cab to our hotel, whipping all of our sh*t into our room, and heading to Chinatown and Little Italy.

Hubby had never been to either neighborhood, so I coaxed him into exploring these areas with me by promising him great food/wine/cannoli/gelato.

What I didn't tell him?

His food fest wouldn't begin until I went shopping ALL OVER CANAL STREET and its side roads.

People? Do you know how many little shops there are in Chinatown? Seriously?

Well, I don't either. But, if you ask my husband, he'll say TOO EFFIN MANY, as I dragged his sweaty ass into almost every one of them on what was possibly the HOTTEST day of the summer.

After like FOUR hours, he finally said, "AWW! C'mon! They ALL sell the same things! I can't take it anymore!"

"Fine," I said. "We'll just go into ONE more store so I can buy some Chinese tea. Then, I PROMISE, we'll go over to Little Italy where you can eat like a beast."

He resigned to the fact and followed me into the store.

As I was looking around at all of the lovely oriental dishes and knickknacks, Hubby---who was now in a better mood because he was having visions of mozzarella covered chicken dancing in his head, suddenly appeared before me with a huge grin on his face. He said...

Hubby: Is it too early to start Christmas shopping?

Me: Um. No, I guess not. Why?

Hubby: Remember how I said that ALL of these stores carry the same crap?

Me: Yeah?

Hubby: Well, I found something in the next aisle that we haven't seen ANYWHERE else.

Me: And you want to give it to somebody for Christmas?

Hubby: YEAH!

Me: Who?

Hubby: Hmmm...I'm not really sure.

Me: Dude! What the hell?! Quit bothering me!

Hubby: I'm serious! Come and look at it!

So, I rounded the end cap of the aisle, peered around the corner, and saw a shelf full

How can I put this DELICATELY?

OH HELL. It was a shelf full of alabaster penis bookends. I am not even kidding you, people.

And upon viewing them, I immediately turned to Hubs and said, "You're right! You should DEFINITELY buy it...FOR YOUR MOTHER! Because NOTHING says 'MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAMA!' like a ginormous marble weiner."

"ICCCKKKK," he responded. "That's so freakin nasty."

You started it, Dude.


Allan said...

My town, and no one says hello...Nice

Heather said...

Ha! I believe I received a picture mail from PC stating this was my early birthday gift?? HAHAHAHAHA! Did you get shoved into the backroom of one of the purse stalls in Chinatown like I did? It was the funniest thing EVER!

lotstolove said...

I stumbled across your blog via Jack Sh*t and you are so incredibly funny!! I mean I like to think of myself as hilarious as well but you are hands down my favorite blogger. Keep writing and making me laugh please and thank you. Also nothing puts the X in Xmas quite like a marble phallus!

mags said...

Christmas present for Lou!!! :)

OTerez said...

Hey! Where's the picture that was here on this post? :( I enjoyed it and didn't get a good look the first time. I went to show my roommate and it was gone. It enhanced the story - I hope you didn't get censored!

Sally said...


I did get censored! Yesterday! Can you believe that sh*t?! Anywho, I thought it was a lovely photo! And if you want to use it as your screensaver or desktop, drop me a line at:

And in the subject line write: Send me the weenies!

I would be thrilled to email it to you ;)

Thanks for reading!


OTerez said...

holy sh**balls!!! you have GOT to be kidding me!!!
That SUX.
Oh will that get censored? In that case whoever bitched can BITE ME

wow I hate dumb people and besides I have seen WAY more offensive stuff on Bloogger. WTH!!!